Pulled Down by the Undertow
by PANZERIA
Summary: She was drowning, but nobody saw her struggle. Emma is fighting with depression and feelings of loneliness after she chases Killian away. Meanwhile, someone from her past returns and sets a series of events in motion that will push Emma to her breaking point. Is she strong enough fight the depression and feelings of hopelessness, or will she give up and give in to the Darkness?
1. The Voice

-Set after the Heroes as Villains universe, but before the Dark Swan storyline-

Author's Note about Narrator and Missing Scenes:

I am writing this story from the point of view of Emma, who has fallen into depression. Depression alters a person's mental process and, from my personal experiences, it can be so severe that they skew simple truths and rewrite their own past to suit the depression. You will see this story only from Emma's point of view, thus, missing the thoughts and actions of some of the characters who are not in the scene. I am using a narration technique called the "Unreliable Narrator." There are questions you will have, and I will answer them all with time. I hope you will trust me, and let me take you through this tale.

" _What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters…compared to what lies within us_." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter 1

What was with her mother and unicorns?

A few months after their return from the alternate universe, Emma found herself sitting at her parent's kitchen table, her gaze fixed on an oddly child-like unicorn ornament sitting on the bookshelf by her mother's bed. After staring at it for a few moments, Emma had stopped studying the strange object and wondering about her mother's obsession. Instead, her eyes were distant. Her mind had wandered, as it had been inclined to do as of late, into a dark corner of her mind that had started growing stronger.

She didn't know when it started. The voice had just popped into her head shortly after life in Storybrooke had returned to normal.

She had been walking down the street and had caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror.

' _You are so ugly_.'

The voice hadn't really registered, so she kept on walking. Lately, it had become more and more insistent. Right now, she was being berated.

' _When was the last time you went to the gym? You looked really tired in the mirror this morning. You should get plastic surgery. Maybe then he would want you back. You know that everyone hates you, right? You're so pathetic_.'

Her thoughts were broken by a sharp, echoing clatter in the kitchen, and her eyes snapped to the cause of the noise.

Mary Margaret grinned sheepishly, fumbling with the toaster in front of her. "Sorry Emma…I tried to be quiet, I swear! You looked so intent…I'm so sorry."

Emma gave her mother a half smile, but one that was filled with forgiveness and admiration. "It's alright. I guess I should focus more on drinking my coffee before it gets cold…oh…wait…"

"I already started a new pot."

"Oh…how long have you been standing there?" Emma asked, nervous for the answer. How long had she been daydreaming for?

"Not long. Maybe ten minutes."

Emma closed her eyes and felt a flush creep up to her cheeks in embarrassment. "Sorry. I guess I didn't hear you come down."

"You looked very intent on whatever problem you were working on." Her mother mused. "Do you want to talk about it? You know, hash it out, brainstorm, that kind of thing?"

Emma was praying that her face didn't give away her embarrassment at being caught. There was no way that she was going to work out this particular issue with her. They were becoming closer with each passing day, but it was still a strained relationship. Mary Margaret desperately wanted to be the parents to their daughter that they couldn't be before the curse was lifted, but Emma had gone through hell and back and it was going to take a little bit more than saving the world a few times to change that.

She smiled. "Thanks, but this is a problem I have to work out for myself."

Mary Margaret was terrible at hiding her emotions, and Emma felt a twinge of remorse over the hurt and guilt that passed across her mother's face. It was only momentary, though, because the sound of heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. David grinned at his wife and daughter, bid them both a hearty good morning, and immediately launched into planning the day at the Sheriff's office with Emma while he scurried through the kitchen preparing his breakfast. Emma, glad for the distraction, gratefully obliged. Mary Margaret watched the two over the brim of her coffee cup, unable to hide her jealousy of her husband who had so easily waltzed his way into Emma's world.

After a good ten minutes of shop talk, Emma rose to her feet and left the table to get ready for the day. She didn't think the town would appreciate their sheriff keeping order in a pair of old pajama bottoms and an oversized snoopy t-shirt. She did not take long to dress. Jeans, tank top, and leather jacket. Done. She had never had a reason or desire to dress fashionably. It never interested her. The simpler she could dress was better in every way.

It was almost the same in every aspect of her life. Keep it simple. If it takes too long to figure out, it is not worth the time. Drop it, and move on.

Drop it and move on…was that what she was doing it to him? Because it was too complex for her?

She was in the middle of quickly brushing her hair when she caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She paused, then leaned forward to study her face in the mirror. It was a plain face to her. Nothing special. Blond hair, blue eyes, a small nose, rounded face. For a meat sack, it was pretty unexciting and ordinary. But it was this face and this body that had caused so much grief in such little time. Abandoning Henry, treating her mother like a villain, ignoring the affections of a man who loved her dearly…

 _'I hate you.'_

The thought crossed her mind so quickly that she barely registered it, but she didn't argue. Hanging her head in quiet shame, she ran the brush through her hair a few more times, her mind seething anytime her eyes caught her reflection in the mirror.

 _'You're pathetic.'_

She practically slammed the brush down on the counter and then, putting her mask back on for the rest of the world to see, she made her way downstairs to her waiting father.

Life had been relatively normal since the return to Storybrooke. There were no monsters to battle, no quests to complete, no evil to be seen. Everything was peaceful.

They stopped in at Granny's and each grabbed a donut before heading to the sheriff's station. There was the usual small talk with Granny and between each other. Nothing too heavy. But as David drove that old blue truck down the road, Emma found herself only half listening to the conversation.

Then, she felt her pulse quicken and she shifted forward in her seat, a smile unknowingly breaking on her face. The leather jacket, a glint of metal…she felt her pulse quicken. 'Killian.' She called to him inwardly as they drove past. Her eyes searched for his face to see if he was going to recognize her in the car.

But he wasn't alone. And he didn't look up.

Her breath hitched in her throat. He was walking with Ruby…and she was holding onto his arm.

He was laughing at whatever she had said, and she was beaming ear to ear, her hands grasping his arm tenderly.

Emma tore her eyes away and stared straight forward.

"I think we should propose at the next town meeting new regulation of the mines. You know, proper inspections and whatnot." When he received no reply, David glanced over at his daughter. "Em? Are you listening?"

Emma snapped back into focus, shutting her feelings down as she had learned to do throughout her life. This time was hard for some reason, but she managed and smiled at her dad. "Yeah! Sorry. Dazed out there for a minute. Guess I just need some more coffee."

David smiled. "It's okay." And then he continued on to the topic of new mining legislation while Emma's head swirled with emotion. They were soon at the office, and David was still talking. They made a fresh pot of coffee, and then Emma quietly excused herself into her office, explaining that they both had paperwork to catch up on. He agreed, and they both settled in to attack the epic amount of paperwork that had gone unheeded for far too long. "And people think cops just chase bad guys." She heard David mumble as he picked up his first file and smiled to herself.

Closing the door behind her, Emma tossed the donut into the garbage and sat heavily down into the uncomfortable wooden chair behind the desk. Her face was blank, but her heart felt sore. She had waited too long. She had chased him away.

' _Well what did you expect_?' the voice in her head drawled. ' _You're un-loveable. You know this. And it's not like you are anything special. Especially compared to Ruby_.'

Emma absently picked up the first file and flipped it open. Some sort of break and enter. She only managed to skim the details of the case as she could not force herself to focus on what exactly she was supposed to do with it.

Her heart was hurting in a way that she had never felt before, and she didn't like it. How could he be with Ruby? He had never shown any interest in her during their time together. What had changed? And why had no one told her? Had everyone in this incredibly small town forgotten to mention it all at once? It would have been juicy gossip, after all. Ruby stole the saviour's man.

But he wasn't her man. She had never acted on it. And he moved on, and it looked as if he had forgotten about her.

Come to think about it, she wondered if everyone had forgotten about her. It wasn't as if anyone came to visit her for fun. All of the visitors to her parent's apartment over the past month had been to see the new baby and to discuss town matters with Mary Margaret. No one ever made it a point to come see her, unless it was about the law.

' _You're boring, dull, and your sense of humour is terrible_.'

She came to the conclusion that this was the typical of this town. She was only 'The Savior' when she was keeping them from destruction, but as soon as the town was safe, everyone forgot about her. Even Henry had started spending less time with her. Regina and Robin were always out doing fun and exciting things in the woods, so Henry gladly followed them whenever he could. He always came back with thrilling adventures and excitedly explained all of the new skills Robin was showing him: tracking, hunting, foraging, etc. Emma never objected to this; Robin was a great role model for Henry. He was genuinely good, and he brought out the best in Regina.

With a heavy heart as she analyzed Kilian, Ruby, and the town's ambivalence towards her, she began to realize that she really wasn't needed in the normal daily life of Storybrooke. Henry had Regina and Robin, the town was safe, her parents had the new baby to look after which ultimately replaced Emma…

' _They don't need you. Nobody needs you_.'

Emma lowered the file slowly and stared at the door in front of her.

' _They would actually probably be better off without you_.' The voice seemed to hiss in her ear. ' _Obviously no one would miss you. Regina can take over as the Savior_.'

She was snapped out of her internal torture by a sudden explosion that rocked the building, causing her coffee mug to fall off the desk and shatter on the floor. Car alarms were going off outside, and she jumped to her feet. Throwing open the door, she looked at her dad. They didn't need to say anything to each other before they were running out of the office.

They weren't the only ones running outside to see what was going on. It seemed like the whole town had exited their respective buildings. The car alarms were still going off, and soon, everyone around her was practically yelling questions at her. "What happened?" "Are we under attack?"

David was doing his best to stay calm, but even he was having a difficult time. Emma knew he was worried about Mary Margaret and the baby, and she prayed that he stayed with her to help handle the oncoming panic she knew would come from the town.

They were surrounded almost instantly. Everyone in town was running to her, their eyes filled with fear. She knew they knew she would take care of it.

The crowd immediately began to yell questions at her, and all she could do was try to explain that she knew as much as they did and that they had to get through.

"Swan!" Emma winced inwardly at the gruff voice that called to her, but also felt her body tingle with the excitement of his calling her name. Killian was in front of her now, having pushed through the throng of onlookers yelling questions. His ocean blue eyes caught hers and they held each other's gaze for a moment until he broke it off and hurriedly said "It came from the wishing well!"

She nodded for him to lead the way and looked back to David. He mutely agreed and motioned for her to follow first. The crowd parted, letting them through, but immediately swarmed back together, their terror and uncertainty peaking.

They all took off at a jog to the woods; Killian, Emma, David, and then Ruby. Ruby's eyes were intent on the task at hand, so Emma had a fleeting thought of how easy it would be to trip the wolf-girl and have her bash her pretty face into a tree.

But then she shoved her emotions aside again. She needed to focus.

They arrived shortly at the wishing well, or, rather, what used to be the wishing well. Emma's jaw dropped as she took in the scene in front of her. Where the well had once been, there was now only a ten foot deep crater. The trees for a good hundred yards around it were levelled, so getting to the crater took great skill and care. Climbing over and under all of the destroyed trees, Emma could only wonder at what had caused this destruction.

Six feet around the edge of the crater was clear of any debris, so when the foursome finally managed to climb their way to it, it was no surprise to see Regina, Robin, and Gold already standing around. Robin and Regina turned to them, and Emma could not read the expressions on their face. It was a mixture of several emotions at once, and she just couldn't tell what they were. Gold wouldn't turn around as they approached. He was shaking. Leaning heavily on his cane for support. As Emma approached, Regina tried to say something. "Emma…it's…" but she couldn't get the words out.

"What is it?" Emma asked, panicked, running to Regina's side. She looked from Regina into the crater and felt the colour drain from her face.

At the bottom of the crater, a naked figure was shakily getting to his feet.

"No…"

Gold fell to his knees with a muffled sob of joy. "My boy…"

Emma couldn't move. She was frozen in place, and didn't react when Killian ran up beside her and peered into the pit.

Neal raised his head up and looked at them all with a wide, bright smile. He was fully nude, his skin glistening in the clearing from sweat that glistened on his muscular body. He tried to push himself to his feet, but she watched his muscles give out at his legs buckled under the attempt. He shook his head, then shakily tried to get up once more. His laugh echoed through the clearing as his legs buckled underneath him again. His joy was apparent on his face, and his eyes watered from the overflow of emotion coursing through his veins.

"I…I'm going to need some help I think!" he called up to them. His voice seemed to snap the men out of their reverie, and Emma barely registered the ensuing bustle around her.

Emma felt like she was in a dream. Sound was muffled, and the world around her was hazy. She couldn't focus. Before she could even fully comprehend what was happening, David, Killian, and Robin had tied a rope to one of the downed trees, and, using it as a railing of sorts, David and Killian were now slowly descending the steep embankment to Neal, while Robin stood at the top, steadying the rope. Neal laughed a hearty, gruff laugh every few minutes, apparently just as shocked as everyone else of his own appearance into the world. As the minutes bore on, he seemed to grow stronger. He no longer shook, and was finally able to stand without collapsing by the time the men reached him.

He grinned widely as they reached him and immediately dragged David, who was the first one to reach the bottom, into a ferocious bear hug. David looked incredibly awkward, and patted Neal's bare back in a 'there-there' sort of way. Killian was next, and apparently Neal didn't discriminate in his showing of joy. He jumped on Killian and also dragged the smaller man into a hug.

"I can't believe it's you!" Neal shouted with joy as he stepped back, beaming at both men.

"Aye, aye, mate, we get that you're happy to see us…how about we get something to sheath the lizard, eh?" Killian grunted, trying fervently to keep his eyes anywhere but Neal.

Neal just shrugged and, reaching past both men, grabbed the rope and immediately began to climb the wall, his eyes focused on Emma as he did. Killian and David in unison tried to protest, citing that he was weak and that they would carry him. Neal ignored them. His eyes were set on the one thing he had fought so hard to come back for.

Emma was still frozen in place. Regina was at her side immediately, trying to discern what kind of magic was powerful enough to bring a man back from the dead. Emma didn't hear a word she said. All she knew was that Neal's eyes were locked on her, and he was quickly making his way up the rope.

Gold was practically jumping with joy on her other side, his arm patting her shoulder every few minutes in excitement. He was not coherent at this point, and even he was ignoring Regina's pleas to figure out how Neal got there. "Yes yes we can talk about all of that later! My boy's home!" Gold managed a quick sentence to Regina, hoping she would refrain from ruining this moment that he had dreamed of for so long.

Neal was at the top of the crater now. Robin reached down and grasped his hand, pulling him onto the grass with a grunt.

Emma felt as if there was a crushing sensation in her chest. She was having trouble breathing. Hell, she was having trouble just standing straight.

Neal stood straight, and strode to her with purpose. He was on her in just a few short strides, and she found herself scooped into a hug. His muscular body pressed to hers, his hands wrapped around her, one at the small of her back, one snaking behind her neck. He pulled her to him, pushing her head into his shoulder and burying his own face into her neck. He gripped her tightly.

She couldn't hold herself up anymore. She went limp, and they both fell to their knees. Neal still held her tight to him.

"Emma." He murmured desperately into her ear. "Emma. Emma." He kissed the side of her head.

She looked up and around at the group surrounding them. David, Gold, Regina, Robin, and Ruby. With their intense gazes on them, Emma felt obligated to hug him back. Awkwardly, she groped to find a way to return his affection. She hadn't been held in so long that she had forgotten where to put her hands, and his grip was so tight. Plus he was naked, and she really didn't know what she was allowed to touch, especially in front of a crowd. Finally, she freed one arm and wrapped it around his shoulder and haphazardly hugged him back.

"Emma." He groaned again into her ear. "I came back to you."


	2. Resurrection

"Pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low. In all the darkness I feel like letting go…" – Full of Grace, Sarah McLachlan

Chapter 2

Regina and Gold used their powers to transport the group to the hospital. It took some convincing, but Neal finally let go of Emma and went with the nurses. Dr. Whale wanted to run a battery of tests on Neal before they released him. No one knew what had happened or how he had returned from the dead, and Neal wasn't answering any of their questions.

"On my preliminary analysis, he seems to be perfectly fine. Which is impressive, considering he was dead less than two hours ago." He chuckled at his own dark joke and walked away before they could ask him any questions. The group was shown to a private room just off of the ER that was typically used to give families bad news. There was a couch and several plush chairs situated around the room, and several boxes of tissue strategically placed within reach of all possible seats. There was one window, so the room was lit up mostly by daylight and the soft yellow of the lamps in the room. No fluorescent lighting in here.

Emma was just starting to come around when Henry burst through the door.

"Is it true?" his eyes were wide and he looked first at Regina, searching her eyes for the truth.

Regina immediately smiled and nodded. "It is!" She was always so happy when something good happened to Henry. Hood really had changed her.

Henry's face broke into a huge, wide grin and he looked at Emma. "Dad's back!" he exclaimed in triumph.

Emma gave him a small smile. He was so excited. "He sure is, kiddo."

Henry ran forward and gave Emma a huge hug. Emma wrapped her arms around him tightly and kissed the top of his head affectionately as he exclaimed "I have my mom and dad back! This is fantastic!"

Emma noted a flash of hurt in Regina's eyes, but Robin reached down and squeezed her hand gently. Regina's shoulders immediately drooped and she relaxed, a grateful smile flitting across her lips. Emma couldn't help it, but a sharp pang of jealousy hit her. How could Regina be so happy?

She looked around the room. She had finally snapped out of whatever daze she was in and took note of her surroundings. Killian was no longer there. Neither was Ruby. Emma longed for Killian, but knew that there was no reason for him to stay. She didn't really mean anything to him after all. His cold demeanor and abrupt disappearance after Neal was taken away was the acknowledgement she needed to know that he truly didn't feel anything for her. She was nothing.

She felt confused and hurt. How could he go from such an intense passion towards her to dating Ruby in just a few weeks?

Wait. How long had it been?

She did the math in her head and couldn't help but wince. Seven weeks. It had been seven weeks since they had returned, and she hadn't seen him, nor spoken to him. It hurt her to admit it, but she was blatantly avoiding him. She was too busy wallowing in her own self-pity.

She hadn't realized how much his death had affected her. While she knew it had not been real, she could still see his face as the life left his eyes, and it hurt too much. She couldn't stand to lose him again. The pain, the heartache, and the abrupt ending of his life…it was all too much. It broke her, and she didn't want to feel that way ever again.

This was the conundrum, however, as she could not stop thinking about him. He was a constant figure in her head, taking the lead role in her fantasies. She knew that she did not want to be with anyone else.

But even if she was going to act on this second primal instinct, she had waited too long. She had pushed him away. He was gone now. And it hurt.

She felt the loneliness creep in.

' _Worthless. Pathetic._ '

Henry let her go and sat down on a chair in the waiting room next to Regina. They began to talk excitedly about the sort of power it would take to bring someone back from the dead. He pulled out his story book, and they began to peruse it, trying to find any sort of clue that would help.

Meanwhile, Emma, overwhelmed by everything, was starting to feel hot in her chair. She felt trapped. Everyone was watching her closely. They were subtle about it, but she knew they were. They were expecting her to be overjoyed. Excited. Her emotions should have been on par with Gold's. After all, having composed himself, he was chatting animatedly with Regina and Henry as well about magic, spells, and curses. He was happy. Relaxed. His son was alive, and there was nothing better than that.

Emma should have mirrored his emotions, but she couldn't. She knew where her heart truly lay, and it was not with the man who had come back from the dead. The father of her son. Her first 'love.'

But she knew she hadn't ever truly loved him. They were both young, and the feelings she had towards him were pure lust and admiration. He took care of her, and they had a passionate romance. She couldn't deny that there was chemistry, but when he left her, he broke her. Even his previous return hadn't mended the heart he had so carelessly ripped apart and discarded when it was convenient.

This return, however, could mean a change for everything. Maybe they were meant to be together after all? Was this the universe bringing Neal back to her, so that she could have someone who actually seemed to give a damn about her?

She had always thought no one really cared, or only cared about her when convenient to them. Why not go with the man who cared a great deal?

But the thought of never being with Killian, of never touching him, talking to him, knowing him in the most intimate of ways was too much for her. She wanted to know everything about him. All of his secrets. His hopes, dreams, fears, you know, all of that cheesy fairy tale nonsense. She wanted it with Killian.

It could never be. She knew that now. That dream was gone, and now there was only reality to deal with.

' _Take what you can get_.' The voice goaded her. ' _You may as well be with the one person who cares if you actually exist or not_.'

Mary Margaret walked in just then with their tiny infant in his car seat, and a bag of clothes in her other hand. David's eyes lit up at the sight of his wife and son and he practically jumped across the room to help her. Taking the car seat gently from her, he kissed her and led her to the other side of the waiting room, where she settled in beside him and began to ask the expected questions. "I've heard so much! What happened?" "How is he?" "Where is he?" "How did he get back?" etc.

Emma couldn't help being irked by her mother's presence. She couldn't help glowering at the infant either. She stopped herself from going too deep down this particular thought path, however, as she realized just how childish it was to be jealous.

It was a short time later that Neal was brought into the waiting room. Doctor Whale was right behind him, and as they stood just inside the door way, he patted Neal heartily on the shoulder. "I think someone is ready to go home."

Gold looked as if he were about to cry again and pushed himself to his feet. Neal had immediately looked at Emma longingly as he walked in the room, but upon hearing his father push himself to his feet, he turned and stepped forward to embrace his father. "I can't believe you're back!" Gold sobbed into the hospital gown Neal was wearing.

Emma had to look away, mostly because the back of the hospital gown was fully open and there was nothing left to the imagination. Not that Neal had any shame, apparently. Nor did he need any. He was, after all, an incredibly attractive man, even from behind.

After they let go, Neal patted his father on the shoulder and smiled lovingly. "I am back and Doctor Whale has given me the clearance to start my life again. There are so many things that I left unfinished, so I intend to do my best to finish it all!"

Henry stood next and his father embraced him immediately. "Hey kiddo." Neal murmured, holding Henry as if he were the most precious thing in the world. They hugged for a long time, and when they finally parted, Neal ruffled Henry's hair. Everyone else took their opportunity now to stand and greet the newcomer properly. Mary Margaret hurried forward, offering Neal some of David's old clothes to wear for now.

Neal gratefully accepted the offering and turned to go into the bathroom, until he saw Emma. She gave him a weak smile and nodded to the bathroom. He hesitated, then murmured, but so low that she was certain only she could hear it "We have our whole lives now. It's okay." He reassured himself, then nodded back at Emma and excused himself to change, leaving the whole room with a view of his fully open hospital gown as he did so.

The group all stood together, talking excitedly. Except for Emma. She continued to sit, awkwardly, by herself, unsure of how she was supposed to proceed.

Thank goodness Neal was quick. He was dressed in a pair of David's jeans and a green plaid t-shirt with simple black shoes. It was a good thing they were almost the same size. Rejoining the group, Mary Margaret piped up

"Neal, you will stay with us tonight."

Neal's cheeks darkened. "I don't know, Mary Margaret. That's quite an imposition, especially with that little bundle of joy there." He leaned down and peered at the infant.

Mary Margaret smiled. "It's no trouble at all." She paused, hesitating to share the following information so soon, but then decided that he had the right to know and continued softly "His name is Prince Neal." Neal's eyes went wide and he looked up at the new parents, who both looked incredibly proud of their name choice.

Neal looked down and murmured "I don't deserve such an honor…"

David stepped forward and clapped his shoulder reassuringly. "You're staying with us. You're the father of our grandchild. That's that." He looked to the rest of the group in the room and said "Is anyone else starved?" There was a general chorus of approval, and so it was agreed that they would all walk to Grannie's for something to eat, and to reconnect with their old friend.

Emma followed the procession out of the room, dragging her feet. Doctor Whale grinned at her as she left "You must be so happy!"

She forced yet another smile. "Oh, yes! Very!" and followed the group out.

The rest of the day was pretty much the same. As soon as they got to the diner, word had already spread throughout the town, and everyone was there to welcome back Neal. The reception was jubilant, and Granny pulled out several bottles of champagne for the occasion. It was a grand occasion, and the whole town was overcome with joy and amazement. Everyone had always liked Neal, even if they didn't trust his father.

Gold was a proud parent the entirety of the day. With Belle by his side and Neal back from the dead, what couldn't he achieve in his life? That was a moment of pure happiness for Rumpelstiltskin.

A few hours in, with the party spreading to the patio, the dwarves broke out their instruments and the dancing began. It was a day that turned into a night which everyone in the town would remember forever.

Everyone except Emma.

During the entire party, no one had noticed her. She sat in her booth, alone, never touching her champagne, and eventually moved out onto the patio before anyone else. Neal looked as if he wanted to come and speak to her several times, but he was always pulled away to more people. Henry was too busy watching and being completely in awe of his father's return, as well as studying his storybook with Regina. When the band started up just after sunset, she decided she needed to take a break from the festivities and the crowd and took herself for a walk.

It was a crisp fall evening, so she zipped her jacket up all the way and stuffed her hands in her pockets. Head down and lost in thought, she wandered away from the party. Soon, the noise was just a faint buzzing of white noise in the background, and as she headed into the woods, it was fully muffled by the trees. She made her way to the ocean, purposefully, as a quote had popped into her mind from Herman Melville. Well, she couldn't really remember it, but it had something to do with when you're upset, take to the sea.

' _No one cared that you left. Hell, no one cared that you were there_.' The voice mocked in her head.

It was true. No one cared. But she could have handled everyone else not caring, it was just that one man that she wanted to care. She needed him to care.

She wandered to the end of the dock and sat down heavily and with a sigh, her feet dangling above the water. She stared at the dark ocean. It was a calm night, with the water gently lapping beneath her. She could hear the rush of the waves on the shore behind her, and for the first time in a while, she felt calm. She didn't even realize how she had been clenching her teeth throughout the whole ordeal.

The moon was coming up over the sea as she sat there. She willed her mind to stay quiet, but it was useless. The negative voice would not let up. She was so alone, and her mind would not let her forget it.

She didn't hear him approach until he said her name in that husky, gruff, accented voice "Swan?"

She straightened and turned. "Hook." She said flatly, seeing only his boots before she spun back, fixing her gaze on the ocean.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, confused. "Shouldn't you be celebrating with the rest of that damn lot?"

She sighed. "Yeah. I should be."

She heard him pause, as if considering what to do next, then, he stepped forward and sat down beside her. She didn't look up. She felt a flutter in her chest, but for the most part, she was emotionally exhausted and couldn't feel anything even if she tried.

Suddenly, his hand was under her chin, and his thumb was gently rubbing her cheek. "You're crying, Swan." He said, softly. "What's going on, love?"

She hadn't even known that she was crying, and she felt ashamed that he, of all people, should be the one to discover this. As if she could be more embarrassed.

His hand left her face and he waited, patiently, for her to answer. Finally, she sighed and shook her head.

"I don't know." She admitted. "I should be so happy, but I'm not."

"That is a bit of a conundrum." She could hear the grin in his voice. "And not one that I ever remember you having before. You're not the cheeriest person on the planet, Swan, but you're never depressed." He paused. She had no intention of answering any more questions or talking any more. She was angry with him, but also relieved that he was there. That he SAW her. Hesitantly, he reached out and put his good arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to him into a side hug. She gladly let him. She felt him kiss her on the top of her head, and that's when she really did relax. The negative voice was silent. She was finally at ease.

They stayed that way for a while, neither of them wanting to break the magic of the moment between them.

She turned to look up at him, just to see if she could guess what he was thinking, and found his eyes staring right at her.

' _Ruby_.' The voice mocked in a sing-song voice.

She gulped and pushed away from him, standing quickly. "I have to get back." It was a quick and abrasive explanation, and she was gone. Killian's face was awash with confusion as she hurriedly walked back to the diner.

Everyone was just starting to stumble out of Grannie's. She hadn't realized how late it was. She stepped forward into the patio area just as Neal managed to detach himself from a throng of people. He grinned at her. "There you are!" His eyes lit up in pure joy upon seeing her there.

She gave him a forced half smile as he stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. He had the bitter smell of old beer on his breath, but she could tell he wasn't drunk. She had seen him like that before enough times to know the difference.

"Let's get out of here." He murmured into her ear. "We have so much to talk about!"

"Great!" she replied, trying to force some emotion into her voice.

They walked to the Charming's apartment in relative silence. She asked how he felt the party went, and he spoke at length about all of the things he had missed since he 'went away.' When they finally got to the house, he pulled her to the back yard where there was an old bench situated just under a gorgeous maple tree. He sat, and motioned for her to sit with him. She did, as far from his as possible.

"Emma," he started, smiling at her. "I can't tell you how happy I am to be here. I fought so hard to get back to you. Before you ask," he interrupted her next question of how, "I don't know how. I just remember our last moments, and then I was awake in that pit. And you were there, and…that's it. That's what I don't know. What I DO know," he said, reaching out and taking her hand into both of his and staring into her eyes, "is that I was brought back for a reason. And I know for a fact that the reason I'm back is to be with you."

' _Apparently the universe couldn't set you up with anyone living, so they had to bring someone back from the dead._ ' The voice cackled.

Emma was feeling uncomfortable and tried to look away from him, but Neal made a disapproving noise. She tried so hard to look at him, but she didn't like looking into his eyes. She hadn't thought this would go so quickly. She hadn't thought this was going to happen at all. That she had time to convince him otherwise.

"Emma, I want to be with you forever. I lost you once, and I will NEVER do that again." He spoke in earnest, then slipped from the bench and went down on one knee in front of her.

"Emma Swan, will you marry me?"

Emma's jaw dropped and she had the words "I'm sorry, Neal, but I can't" all prepped and ready to go…until the little voice in her head chided her.

' _No one else will ever love you. Killian is gone. You may as well stay with the mother of your child. Otherwise, you might look like a downright unfeeling, cold-hearted whore_.'

Her voice hitched in her throat and she paused for a second. He was staring at her intently, waiting, his smile fading. He was afraid he made a mistake.

Finally, she spoke, and they weren't words she thought that she would ever say.

'Killian is gone.' She told herself. She was sure that, somewhere in her broken soul, she loved Neal. She just had to learn to love him again. 'Neal sees me.'

"Yes. Yes I will."


	3. Guilty

" _Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves_." – Henry David Thoreau

Chapter 3

Neal beamed with happiness and jumped to his feet, dragging her into a forceful and exuberant hug. He picked her up and spun her about, laughing.

His eyes made her uncomfortable. Why did they make her uncomfortable?

Killian's eyes never made her uncomfortable. They were always so warm.

He leaned in and kissed her, bringing his hand up and cupped the back of her head, deepening the kiss. It was nice to be kissed, Emma thought to herself. She hadn't kissed someone since Hook, and that felt like so long ago now.

To her horror, she realized that she felt nothing. She felt as if she were simply going through the motions. Shouldn't she be getting that familiar flutter in her chest? This bothered her. She had loved Neal so passionately when they were younger. Had she really let him go so completely after his death? She reached up and put her arms around his shoulders, his hands moving to her waist. Slowly, she tugged at the memories that she had long ago set aside. Remembering how she had made her yearn for him, how she felt as if she were so full of emotion that she felt she would burst. Her hands ran through his curly brown hair, and it felt as it did before as it slid between her fingers.

' _You killed him_.' The voice drawled. ' _You owe him_.'

Neal pulled away, smiling at her, and leaned his head against her forehead. "I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm back with you. Oh, Emma. I thought…I never thought…I can't believe…"

"I know." She murmured back.

He reached up and caressed her face. "I remember, you know." She froze and stared down at the ground. Neal shook his head and ducked so that he could look into her eyes. "I remember what you did for me and my pa."

"Neal…I…"

"It's okay." He breathed.

"No. No it's not. I killed you."

"I told you to."

"You died in my arms." Her vision suddenly became blurred by the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"I know." He continued to caress her face. "I know I did. But you did it because I told you to."

"I killed you."

He gave her a half smile. "Well, that part is tr…" he stopped, seeing the guilt that passed across her face. "You did what you had to do. And I don't blame you for it. In fact, it only makes me love you more." He pulled her into another kiss. After a moment, he repeated "You did what you had to do."

She smiled back at him, but didn't respond. They stood like that for a little while, with Neal's hand moving to hold her around her waist, and her arms wrapping around his neck. The crisp, night air nipped at her cheeks, now wet from the tears that had fallen. She leaned against his chest and sighed. This was going to be hard.

As they stood there, Emma felt a little twist of uncertainty in her gut. Her instincts were screaming for her to stop everything, to retract her answer from earlier, but she ignored it. She, as much as she didn't want to admit it, wanted to be held by someone else right now. Someone with only one hand.

'Stop thinking about him.' She chided herself, inwardly. 'This is what I need. This is what I want.'

' _The Pirate moved on to something better. You get second prize._ '

They didn't need to say any more. There was nothing else to be said, although she was sure that they would discuss everything in detail at a later time. She stepped back from the hug and gave him a half smile. He smiled back, reaching up to stroke her cheek and kissed her on the forehead.

Without a word, he let her go, but still held on to her hand and led her into the house.

Mary Margaret and David were still waiting up with little Neal. They looked up as they entered the apartment, holding hands. They both looked confused, but smiled at the two. There was tea already made, and David offered for the two to take a seat at the kitchen table for a cup. He then pulled the rocking chair closer to the kitchen table so that Mary Margaret could nurse while still being involved in the conversation.

The conversation was light and cheery, discussing the events of the party and comparing notes and general gossip from the day.

Emma could tell that her parents were itching to ask about what they had seen, but she was grateful that, for once, they restrained themselves. After a short visit, Emma said that she was tired and was going to bed. She looked at Neal and gave him a squeeze on the shoulder as she passed by, but nothing more. Neal agreed and asked where his bed was for the night.

She was grateful that he wasn't going to try to come to her bed that night. It had been a thought that was worrying her since they entered the house. It was too soon.

' _You're such an idiot. Never thinking in advance. How do you even function as an adult_? _Oh wait! You live at home with your mommy and daddy. You're pathetic_.'

She heard her parents setting Neal up on a spare cot downstairs and slowly got herself undressed. After removing her shirt, she sat down heavily on her bed. Taking off her pants felt like far too much effort. Leaning her elbows on her knees, she bent forward and put her head in her hands. Her body shook in silent sobs, and she felt the hot tears burning in her eyes.

' _God you're pathetic_.' The voice repeated. ' _Hook dodged a bullet with you_.'

The voice continued to berate her, and she let it. The thoughts repeated themselves over and over in her head. Everything she had done in the past few months came back to her, and she realized that she had chased Killian away. She had avoided him…

It was his death. She saw him die. Just like she saw Neal die.

They both died because of her.

She couldn't face him.

Why didn't he come after her? Why did he have to move on to Ruby so fast?

Why did he ignore her?

' _He never REALLY loved you. Either that or you were too much of a prude. You should have slept with him when you had the chance_. _Don't make the same mistake twice_!'

Was that all she was? A sexual conquest? Killian and her had never had sex, but they had been taking things slow…oh God, what had she done?

And now she was engaged and he was with Ruby.

'I guess it wasn't meant to be.' She thought sadly to herself, but she missed him so badly that her body continued to shake from her silent sobs.

' _Neal deserves better too, but I think he's settling for you. You know, the whole 'mother of his child' thing. You trapped him_.'

Emma crawled onto her bed and slid under the covers, still in her pants. She was too tired to care about hygiene. She just wanted to sleep.

' _If you slept forever, no one would miss you_.'

She wished she could sleep forever.

Regina was beginning to get on Emma's nerves. She was questioning everything in Neal's story, and could not understand that Neal didn't remember anything. During all of his interviews with the former mayor, Emma, David, Mary Margaret, and even Gold, it was the same story; he could not remember.

A couple of days after Neal's return found Emma and Regina in the sheriff's office, with Emma once again attempting to catch up on paperwork. With Neal having come back, her mind was, once again, unable to focus. Regina, on the other hand, could not stop focusing.

"It just doesn't make any sense!" Regina grumbled to herself, leaning on Emma's desk, arms folded in front of her, and her eyebrows furrowed in concentration and frustration. "After all, there is no magic that brings someone back from the dead. There just isn't! So how did he come back?"

"I don't know Regina." Emma replied, exasperated. "Maybe the tooth fairy has more powers than we thought."

"No no." Regina shook her head. "Nancy isn't that powerful otherwise I would have destroyed her a long time ago." Regina saw the look Emma gave her and put her hands up "I'm kidding! Lighten up, sheriff." She paused, then continued. "There has to be another way to cheat death. Can you imagine? This could change everything! If only your boyfriend could remember…"

"Boyfriend!?" Emma stuttered, practically jumping out of her skin at the remark.

Regina sneered, knowing she had hit a nerve. "Oh come on, Swan. You two have been inseparable since he came back. There's obviously something going on there." Emma's reddening face was enough for the other woman to continue. "Which is odd, because there was a running bet that it would have been the pirate, although I'm still confused about that one. What happened between you two?" Emma felt as if the air had been knocked out of her during the pause after Regina asked the question. To her relief, the former mayor simply ignored her and continued to speak, waving off the silence as she genuinely didn't care. "It doesn't matter. I'm happy for you. And Henry has his dad back, so I'm happy for him. Back to the topic of your new man friend's return to Storybrooke…"

Emma slammed her hands down on the table in frustration. "Regina, I need you to leave."

Regina blinked in confusion and stared at her, her dark eyes burning with indignation. "Excuse me?" she hissed.

The blonde shook her head, immediately regretting the outburst. "I'm sorry." She sighed. "I just…I have all of this paperwork to get done, and I really need to concentrate. And you're right, Neal and I have been spending a lot of time together, and it's really cut into my sheriff duties. So, if you don't mind…" she left the end of that sentence hanging and nodded her head towards the door.

"Ugh, so now you actually want to catch up on your paperwork. Fine! I'll go, but this isn't over, Swan. We need to figure this out, and I will get to the bottom of it with or without you." And with a huff, Regina strode out of her office.

Emma leaned back in her chair and sighed heavily. At least no one knew about the engagement yet, but the fact that they were already known to be a couple bothered her. She was just grateful that she hadn't seen Killian in the past few days. Her emotions were so raw that she didn't know how she could handle seeing him right now.

At the same time, she was wondering where he had disappeared to. Since the night of the party when they spoke on the docks, she had not heard anything about him.

She was wondering more about this when Neal suddenly appeared in the doorway, coffees in both hands and a newspaper tucked under his arm. "Hey!" he greeted her, cheerfully. "I come bearing caffeine!"

Emma smiled tiredly at him. "Oh thank God." She took the coffee gratefully, murmuring a quick thank you before taking a sip and turning to return to her desk.

"Hold on a second," he murmured, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her back towards him. "I don't think that's a proper thank you for your husband to be!" She was a little surprised at the strength of the movement, but didn't argue when he pulled her in for a kiss. She kissed him quickly then turned to move away. "Nope." He growled and tightened his grip, then kissed her again.

She didn't know how to respond and just let him kiss her. After a few moments, she pushed away. "I'm at work, Neal." He groaned, but let her go. She decided that she would just ignore what happened as he sat at the chair across from hers and opened the newspaper.

"I was thinking we could go check out a couple of places this afternoon." He stated and she looked up to see him reading the classifieds

"None of the places from yesterday suited you?"

"They didn't suit US. You didn't look impressed at any of them."

Emma suddenly found the case file in front of her very interesting and refused to look up. "I don't care where you live, Neal."

"Where WE are GOING to live." The tone in his voice was that of frustration, but Emma ignored him and continued starting at the file. "Emma. Will you look at me." She continued to stare.

"Whatever you pick is fine."

He didn't say anything for a few moments. The tension between them was so thick, and Emma's adrenaline was pumping through her body. She felt herself start to shake. What was he thinking?

"What is wrong with you?" he snapped.

She looked up at him finally and saw his face contorted in a mix of anger and frustration. She gulped.

"What do you mean?"

He stared at her, silent, and she stared back, too scared to look away.

Why was she scared? Neal never scared her.

He shook his head and leaned back with a heavy sigh, resigned to the simple fact that he did not want to have this fight. "Fine, Emma. I'll call a couple of places here and set up showings for the afternoon." He stood and turned to leave, then paused in the door way and said quietly, but loud enough that she could hear the tone of his voice "I'll be back later. Be ready to go." He moved to leave, then paused again. "I love you." And with that final note, he walked away.

She let out the breath that she didn't know she was holding when she heard the door close. Looking down at her hands, she also hadn't realized just how badly she was shaking.

' _Why are you so difficult with him? He's putting up with you. You should be better for him_.'

She stared at the coffee in front of her for a while. There were no thoughts in her head. It was a blank.

Finally, she decided that she couldn't be indoors anymore and abruptly stood, grabbed her jacket and left the office.

It was raining when she left the office, but nothing too heavy. It was just a light drizzle, so she decided to just keep going. She didn't know where she was walking to, but she knew she needed to walk.

A few blocks away, she realized that she had, unknowingly, wandered to Granny's. It must have been a subconscious habit, but she didn't argue with her subconscious this time. The rain was coming down harder, and she realized that she had forgotten her coffee.

Granny was cheerful as ever as she sat herself in a booth. She ordered some soup and a coffee, grabbed one of the complementary newspapers that were always available in the small restaurant, and settled in to eat her lunch.

"Ruby," she heard Granny call, "Soup for the sheriff! Make it quick!"

"Yeah yeah yeah." She heard the girl respond from the back, but just a few short minutes later, the beautiful, lithe woman was placing Emma's order in front of her.

Emma didn't want to look up at her, but knew that she had to in order to be polite. She smiled at her and murmured a quick thank you.

"You're welcome." Ruby snapped, curtly. That's when Emma realized that she was glaring at her. Glaring!

"Are you okay…" she started to say, but Ruby just shook her head and stormed off.

"Enjoy your soup." She practically threw the serving tray at Granny as she walked by and snapped "I'm taking my lunch break!" And with that, she was gone.

Emma watched her walk away and felt shocked. Why was SHE mad at HER?

She stared at her soup. She wasn't really hungry before, but now she really didn't want to eat. Sheepishly, she avoided looking at granny and simply pulled the coffee cup towards her and held it with both hands. It was as if it was the most precious thing in the world to her.

Her head bowed and she shrank down in the booth. Thank God there was no one else in the diner at the time. She didn't know if she could have handled that particular snub in public. At least this way, it was just Granny to see her get told off by Ruby, and Granny wouldn't say anything. If there was one thing she learned about Granny over the years, it was that she was discreet.

The bell above the door chimed, Emma barely registered it. She was too lost in thought, when someone slid into the booth across from her. She started and looked up, a flush creeping to her cheeks.

'Not you…anyone but you.'

Killian sat across from her, the devilish grin coming easily to his face. He shook his head to get rid of some of the excess water, getting a little on her. She blinked and wiped some of the water off of her cheek.

A smile crept to her face.

"Brat."

"Swan."

She smiled warmly, but didn't know what to say. All she knew was that, seeing him there, the knots in her stomach created from anxiety were loosening and the tension in her shoulders was going away.

Emma didn't notice the tension in her shoulders. But Killian did.

"How are you?" he asked, awkwardly, after a moment of uncertainty between them.

"Fine!" the answer was quick. Far too quick, and she knew it.

Another awkward silence.

"I…I've been meaning to come find you, Swan." He said, slowly. "Are you okay?" She looked at him quizzically and he elaborated "You know, from the other night?"

She gave him a half smile. "Yeah. I'm alright. Thanks for asking."

His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. She felt as if her face would burn under his scrutiny, but she loved every second that those eyes lingered on her. "You're not okay." He stated, quietly, but Granny had excused herself from the main dining area. "Swan, you're pale, there are dark circles under your eyes, and it looks like you haven't eaten a proper meal in a long time. You've lost weight."

"Women are usually flattered by that…"

He glared at her. "You're not okay." He stated flatly. "Now what the hell is the matter with you?" she was taken aback at his bluntness. It was as if he had been walking on eggshells around her for so long, but right now, he had given up with being nice. He wanted answers.

"Noth…"

"I swear I will draw and quarter you if you say nothing." They sat in silence. She wasn't ready to talk, although she wanted to so desperately. She missed him. She ached for him.

She couldn't have him.

She jumped when she felt his hand pull hers away from her coffee mug. His strong, blistered hand held hers and he leaned across the table, eyes filled with concern. "Swan, please. Whatever it is, let me help you. I've missed…"

The bell above the door rang and a familiar voice shouted "Get your hands off of my fiancé, pirate!"

There was silence.

Emma was frozen. Killian squeezed her hand in comfort, then turned to Neal, then looked back at Emma.

After a moment, he asked quietly "…Emma." Her heart fluttered at her name passing across his lips. "Emma. Is what he saying true?"

She gulped and tried to pull her hand away.

He let her.

Neal stormed over and grabbed her upper arm, pulling her to her feet.

Killian growled and jumped to his feet. "You don't touch her like that!"

"I'll touch her however I want!"

Emma couldn't move. She didn't know what to do or what to say. She couldn't look at Killian, so she stared at the wall, her eyes burning with humiliation.

Suddenly, another form was between Killian and Neal. Granny.

Ruby was close behind, and gently took Killian by the arm. "Killian," she was saying, "come on."

Granny was lecturing the two boys. Something about proper restaurant etiquette and that she couldn't get blood out of the tiles so they had to kill each other somewhere else, but they didn't hear her. It was obvious that they both wanted to disembowel each other.

Neal sneered and put his arm around Emma's shoulder and kissed the side of her head, staring directly at Killian as he did so.

"Stop." Emma said quietly.

Neal didn't respond immediately when he heard her. He did need seem to snap out of whatever rage he was in and growled "Just…be quiet." He then directed Emma by the shoulders towards the door. "We're going."

The last thing Emma heard from the group in the diner were Ruby's feeble attempts at getting Killian to turn away from them and let them go.

Outside, he directed her towards her little yellow bug. He let go of her once they were at the passenger door and stalked off to the other side of the car. She hesitated to open the door, and turned to look back at the diner. The group inside had gone somewhere else. She couldn't see them in the window.

She sat down heavily in the car, and stared straight ahead as he climbed in next to her.

"I don't like him."

Emma stayed silent. She was angry with him, too. His reaction was ridiculous and she wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of an answer. It was childish, she knew, to give him the silent treatment, but she couldn't think of another way to show her displeasure.

He glowered for a moment, then started the car. They drove in silence for a few blocks, coming to a stop in front of an apartment complex. She hardly noticed any details but did pay attention to the basic look of the building; brick with large windows and four stories.

"There's a two bedroom here for five hundred a month." Neal was obviously still angry with her as his words were said in a harsh, forced tones, as if he could hardly be pleasant with her at the moment.

"Neal," she said quietly, but he continued, ignoring her.

"It has in-suite laundry, utilities aren't included, newer appliances…"

"What the hell happened back there, Neal?"

"Why don't you tell me?" he snapped at her, his eyes fiery with rage. "Holding hands with the pirate? Now I understand why you wanted to keep our being engaged a secret! You couldn't stand to be apart from him!" Emma's eyes went wide in horror at his fierce temper. She stared at him, mouth agape, as he continued. It seemed as if he couldn't help himself. "A few people told me about you and Hook. How they thought you two were an item. How," he paused, and there was a strange and low growl that seemed to gurgle out from his chest, "How 'cute' you were together was mentioned a few times."

She understood. The town had seen them together and didn't understand what has happened. She hardly understood herself, so it didn't surprise her that complete strangers would have no idea what was going on. Such was small town life – everyone is in your business to distract everyone else from their own.

"Neal, will you relax."

He growled again, and she could have sworn that his eyes darkened…not just figuratively to describe emotion. They actually darkened and almost became fully black. But she blinked and they were the normal blue again. He didn't say anything but continued to sit there, seething.

She was scared to speak. She didn't know this side of Neal. It took her a moment to continue. "There is nothing between Killian and I anymore. I promise." His eyes flashed up to look into hers, imploring her.

"I hope that's true." He said, quietly. "Emma, I love you so much…I don't know what I would do if I couldn't have you."

With those words, he didn't wait for a response. Instead, he turned to the door and opened it. Before getting out, however, he paused. His left leg was already on the pavement outside, and he closed the door so that no one around them could hear him say the next words out of his mouth. "You will never speak to him again, do you understand?"

"Neal, you can't…"

"I can't stand him being near you right now!" he cried, putting his head in his hands, his lip quivering. "I just came back from the dead!" he wailed. "Will you give me the fucking courtesy of staying away from a man I can't stand? Just for a little while, so that I can get used to this? If you don't, that would make you pretty selfish and completely neglect my needs. Isn't that what a wife or girlfriend is supposed to do? Respect her partner's feelings?" He was begging her. His voice broke, but there were no tears in his eyes.

Taken aback at the declaration and feeling guilty for not considering his feelings, Emma replied "I suppose…"

"Good. Thanks for making us late. Get out and let's get this day over and done with." Any trace of the emotion that was there before was gone. He got out of the car and slammed the door, then came around to her side and opened her car door, holding out his hand for her to take.

She took it and smiled weakly at him, then quietly followed him into the apartment building.

They were in there for approximately an hour or so. It was an open concept apartment, with only the master bedroom, second bedroom, and one bathroom being closed off from the rest. There was dark hardwood throughout, and a large, modern kitchen with dark cupboards, granite countertops, and an island with a prep sink in the center. Neal was back to his old self and was chatting animatedly with the landlord. She was about thirty or so, curvaceous, black haired, piercing blue eyes, and dressed very well. She had a grey fitted dress on with a black belt that sat just above her knee, showing off her toned legs. The black stiletto heels definitely suited her figure and elevated it to the next level that even Emma had to say that she found the woman attractive.

She was half-heartedly looking through the second bedroom, imagining Henry there, when a flirtatious giggle echoed behind her in the open and empty apartment. She slowly creeped around the corner to see what was going on in the living room just in time to see Neal looking the woman up and down, seductively, and caressing her ivory skin. The woman was grinning at him, pushing a stray hair behind her ear.

Emma scampered back into the bedroom, shocked.

' _But he loves you_.' The voice whispered. ' _He was probably just being friendly. You know Neal. Look at what he just said in the car? He loves you so much!_ '

Her brain tried to reason out what she had seen, and was unsuccessful. So she pretended to trip on her way out of the room, slamming her hand against the wall as she did so, and watched with a little pleasure at how quickly the two jumped apart.

"Where can we sign?" Neal cleared his throat and smiled, handsomely, at the landlady.

"Neal, I don't…"

"It's the best one I've seen so far, and you told me you didn't really care, right?" Neal was smiling, but his eyes were screaming for her to be quiet.

She complied, her stomach twisting at the thought of this woman being her landlady.

The woman sauntered to the kitchen and placed the forms on the counter, pointing to Neal to sign.

"And your wife signs here, here, and here." She chirped, happily. Almost too happily.

Emma was about to take the pen and comply when Neal stopped her.

"We aren't married. I'm going to sign this in my name."

Emma was shocked. "Neal, I think…"

"Don't worry about it." He smiled at her. "I always said I'd look after you. And I will. Just trust me, honey."

Emma swallowed, but again, complied, and watched with a sensation of helplessness as the two conversed while Neal signed the papers.

Back in the car, Neal was chattering about move in dates and furniture shopping when Emma stopped him. "Where does our landlady live?"

Neal didn't show any emotion whatsoever. He stayed stone cold. "Why does that matter?"

"I'm just curious."

"In the building. The apartment below us." Emma gulped, but didn't say anything, unsure as to how she was going to tell him that she didn't want to live there. Not after he'd already signed the papers. Why hadn't she said anything before? Neal continued. "She was really nice, wasn't she?"

She stopped and stared at him, confused. "I guess."

"And gorgeous. Did you see how curvy she was, and still so fit?"

Emma looked away from him. What was he saying?

' _Apparently your boobs aren't big enough for him_.'

Neal continued, ignoring her silence. "I should get her a gift certificate to somewhere nice for her and her boyfriend. You know, for being so helpful."

Emma was quiet for a moment, but then said quietly "Neal, I saw you touch her arm…I didn't like it."

"Sucks, doesn't it?" He sneered at her. "Lucky for you, I love you too much to do anything to hurt you." He reached out and put his hand on her knee. "I was just being friendly. You know how I am. Now, let's go furniture shopping!"

"I…I need to go back to work."

He shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'll drop you off."

He dropped her off at her office, kissed her goodbye, and then drove off without a look back. Emma's head was spinning so much from the day that she barely noticed the rain falling on her. After a few moments of staring at where he left her, she turned and walked into the building. She shrugged off her coat, almost zombie-like, and hung it on the coat rack before dragging her feet to her office.

That's when she saw the coffee on her desk.

She stared at it. It was a gift from him from this morning.

She stood there for a long time, staring at the cold coffee on her desk.

Her eyes began to sting with hot tears. She clenched her fists, a feeling of intense guilt and anger burning in her stomach. She grabbed the cold black liquid and threw it against the wall, screaming at the top of her lungs an animalistic wail of despair.

After a few moments of just screaming, she stopped, caught her breath, then went and sat heavily down at her desk. She felt emotionally drained.

As she looked around her office and out through the open door to the rest of the desks, she felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

She was alone. She felt unwanted.

' _But he loves you._ '

He made it clear that he wanted the landlady.

' _If you would just work out more, you would be fine. Hook said you looked sick. You can't blame Neal for not being attracted to you when you look like a walking corpse_?'

Killian. She wanted to run to him right now.

But the way he had let go of her hand in the diner after Neal said she was his fiancé was painful to think about. He had to hate her.

And anyways, he wasn't hers to run to anymore. Ruby had made that very clear.

She was with Neal now. She was going to be his wife, and she had to learn to accept his flaws. That's what marriage is, right?

But where was he now? Where were any of them now?

And that's when a thought crossed her mind, as she stared into the emptiness of the office.

' _Nobody wants to be around you. You chase them away. They're probably glad to get away from you. You're so pathetic. Everyone just pities you.'_

She couldn't stop the tears. She put her head down on her desk, and cried.

"I know."


	4. Blackout

Author's Note: Depression is not something to shrug off and take lightly. It is not a joke. You can't ignore it. If you believe you are depressed, please, talk to someone. Start with a friend if that's the furthest you feel you can go. You deserve to love yourself.

In case you haven't heard it yet today, my dear reader: **I don't know you, but I love you**.

" _It isn't easy to be kind,_

 _With all these demons in my mind_

 _My only hope is someday_

 _I'll. Come. Clean."_

 _Let It Rain – Amanda Marshall_

Chapter 4

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off – then, I account it high time to get to the sea as soon as I can." Henry looked up from his copy of Herman Melville's "Moby Dick" and watched his mom intently, his big brown eyes filled with love and adoration for his mother. "Was that the quote you were looking for, mom?"

Emma smiled at him. She loved hearing Henry read to her. "Sure is, kiddo."

The ocean lapped at the shore around them. She had been feeling more and more drawn to the ocean, and she couldn't understand why. It had never been a keen interest of hers to explore the vastness of the open water, but in recent memory, being lost out at sea with no one around her seemed like a comfortable notion. There was a gentle breeze that came inland, bringing the salty smell of the water up to where they were seated in the playground castle. She felt her hair blown around her, getting caught up and tangled in her face, but she did not move to put it back in place. She just let it be.

For the first time in two weeks, she felt at ease. She leaned back on her elbows, staring at the horizon. This was perfect.

Henry, who had stayed uncharacteristically silent since reading his mom the passage she had been asking about, was shifting uncomfortably. Emma looked at him with a soft smile. "What's up kiddo?"

"Well," he stammered, fidgeting with the book, as if he didn't know how to ask the question. "Mom, I have to ask you something."

She sat up straighter, concerned. "Go ahead, kid. You can ask me anything. You know that."

"I know. But…this is different. It's not really my business. I'm not supposed to ask you anything about it, but I feel like I have to." He looked up at her, imploringly. "Why are you marrying Neal?"

Emma sighed. She knew this question was coming. She slowly pulled herself into an upright sitting position and looked at him. "Because we love each other."

Henry hesitated. "But…I thought you loved Killian."

She gulped and looked back out to the ocean. The tension that had been wracking her body for the past week was back. "I don't know that I ever loved him, kid. And this is grown up stuff. You shouldn't be worrying about it. Your job is school." His big brown eyes looking at her that way were kryptonite for her. She wanted so badly to tell him everything, but this was her child. She had to be strong for him. There was no other option. She couldn't involve her child in adult issues. Even though he had been through so much already for his young age, he still needed to be a kid. This was one battle that he had to sit on the sidelines for.

After a few moments of Henry starting at her, she responded slowly "I don't know what you saw, Henry," he straightened at her use of his name, "but what happened between Killian and I wasn't meant to be." Her own heart broke as she said this. She didn't want to look at Henry to see his reaction. The kid had no ability to lie, and his emotions were always written on his face. She knew it would hurt to see his reaction. He had adored Killian, and Killian had adored him. While it was true that their breaking off…whatever it was that they had, had nothing to do with Henry and that Henry could most assuredly see Killian without upsetting Emma, she knew that one of Henry's best qualities was his loyalty. He would never do anything to hurt her, and while she hated that their relationship would suffer, she was also inwardly glad. The less she could see of Killian, the better.

According to Neal, anyways.

'Crap.' She thought to herself. 'I thought I had this…I didn't cry the last ten times I practiced this exact conversation!' she groaned inwardly as she felt the familiar anxiety and flutter of emotion welling up in her chest.

"Killian is still a friend," she continued, willing herself to fight the emotions that were battling against her, "but your dad, Neal, and I…we are going to get married. He's my soulmate."

Henry raised an eyebrow at her use of the word 'soul-mate.' She cringed inwardly. He had every right to be suspicious. She would have never used that word before. Not before she had been with Neal. He was always going on about how they were 'soulmates' and 'meant to be.' Emma guessed that it had finally been engrained in her as well to think that way. Apparently, Henry was beginning to believe that it had been engrained in her as well.

"Mom. Come on." Henry started, but Emma interrupted him

"Kid, this is my life and my decision. You are my son, and I love you dearly, but you aren't old enough to understand. So…drop it." She snapped at him.

Henry was taken aback at his mom's reaction to him, and she could see that her words had hurt him.

' _Look at that_.' The voice cackled. ' _Looks like you screwed it up again. Soon, he's going to just stop talking to you. And you'll deserve it.'_

They were silent for a few minutes, and Emma found herself shaking. She refused to look at Henry, and the silence between them was becoming more and more deafening. She wanted to say she was sorry. She wanted to bundle him up into her arms, hold him, and tell him everything that had happened and what was happening to her now.

' _He thinks you're pathetic too. Just like everybody else. If you tell him anything, he will think you're weak and pathetic and reject you_. _As he should. Compared to Regina, Henry thinks you're a terrible mother._ '

Emma fought with her head. She couldn't believe that Henry thought anything of the sort. As she was trying to rationalize her thoughts, Henry stood and awkwardly muttered "Okay well, I'm meeting Robin for some archery lessons. I should go."

She barely registered this and when he didn't get a response, he hung his head and walked away. She turned, not realizing he'd gone, and was horrified when he was almost all the way out of the park.

"I love you!" she called out, desperately, but he didn't hear her. He just kept walking, his head hanging.

' _Wow. You even hurt your own kid. You fought so hard to be in his life…for what reason? Pathetic_.'

She was alone again. This had been a common occurrence for her, lately. For some reason, she felt as if the town were avoiding her. She hadn't even seen her parents much over the past few days. There was the rushed hello's and goodbyes in the mornings as they were all getting ready to go, but she felt as if they were avoiding her. There were always awkward glances that the two of them would share in regards to her. She knew they were talking about her, as well, due to the number of times she had walked in on them talking quietly under their breaths, and then suddenly stop talking altogether when she was spotted.

Neal had been staying with Gold for the time being until he took possession of the apartment, so he was no longer in the house. Which suited Emma just fine. She found herself longing to be away from him when she was with him, but at the same time, never wanting to leave his side. It was all very confusing, and she opted to enjoy the short time she had left of her independence.

' _Avoiding the fiancé who adores you? Wow. You're kindof a selfish bitch, aren't you_?'

The living situation had changed, as well. Since the engagement had been announced to the town, Neal had proposed that only he move into the apartment, and she would come live with him after the wedding. That way, it would be 'proper.' She would come to visit and maybe spend the night once in a while, but that was it. Emma had mentioned that they already had a kid together and that the whole 'no living together before the wedding' tradition was long gone. However, Neal was insistent, and Emma, as per usual, was shot down.

So, there she was. Staying at her parent's house until some unknown wedding day. When asked in public, Neal was telling people that they were getting married in approximately six months. He would sprinkle this declaration with putting his arm around her and kissing her cheek. The crowd was typically moved to 'aww' at the 'adorable' couple, but they didn't know what was really going on.

' _Oh you're being too hard on him.'_ The voice cooed. _'He's stressed. And if you didn't irritate him so much, he wouldn't get mad at you. That's probably why he won't let you move in to his place with him. He doesn't want to deal with you until he has to. I mean, you don't really do anything right over there, anyways, and he's always having to fix whatever you do wrong. Be happy someone is putting up with you enough to want to marry you.'_

Emma didn't see it as a bad thing that Neal corrected her behaviour. She knew she was not as smart as he was, so he was usually right in his decisions more often than her.

She also didn't go out with anyone anymore. Neal was starting to find the town irksome, and had asked her to keep her contact down to a minimal number of people. According to him, he wanted to see her more, and when she was out and about around town, he couldn't spend as much time with her as he wanted.

Today with Henry had been the first time that she had been with someone other than Neal in about a week. And here she was, screwing it up. She sighed heavily and turned to stare at the ocean again. The wind continued to play with her blond hair, blowing it about her. Finally, after a few moments of peace by herself, she got up and drove herself home.

She rarely walked anywhere anymore. There was too great a chance of her running into someone on Neal's 'dislike' list, and she didn't want him to get the wrong idea if he saw her in that situation. He was starting to have a problem with a lot of people in the town, and any time she spoke to someone who he had a problem with, she would be berated for an hour. She wanted to avoid it at all costs. Not that anyone seemed to be put off by her not being around town very much. It was as she had always suspected – no one actually cared if she was around or not, unless it was convenient for them.

Emma left the park and headed to Neal's. He had wanted to see her this afternoon, as he said he'd had a surprise for her. She was wondering what it could have been. Maybe he finally had a real ring that she could wear? She could tell that everyone was starting to judge them on the fact that their engagement was only verbal. There were a lot of strange glances that she was getting when they were together. Everyone always looked to her left hand to see if there was finally a ring, and always had a strange, pitying look on their faces when she didn't. She didn't want their pity.

She made it to Neal's fairly quickly and let herself in. During the day, the building was very quiet. It seemed like everyone except Neal was working. She knew he slept for most of the day right now, so she opened the door carefully so as not to wake him.

To her surprise, she found Neal up and making what looked to be breakfast, except that he wasn't alone. A melodic laugh echoed throughout the apartment, she Emma saw the landlady in all her curvaceous glory sitting at the kitchen island on a stool. She was dressed in what looked to be a bright pink silk kimono robe, her hair was dishevelled, and she was leaning her flushed face on her one hand that was propped up on the counter. She turned and noticed Emma first, and didn't react at all when she saw Emma walking towards them.

Neal looked up and started, his eyes flashing with anger. "Don't you ever knock?"

"You are usually sleeping so I don't."

"I'm sorry for my fiancée's rudeness." He apologized to the raven haired beauty. She simply nodded, a knowing smirk passing across her lips.

Emma stared at the two of them as Neal prepared two plates and passed one to the woman sitting on the stool. "So…what are you guys doing?" She asked awkwardly. The other woman picked up her napkin to hide her laugh, eyes dancing with malice and pity.

Neal smirked at her and, in between mouthfuls of omelette, simply said "Tiffany and I are usually home during the day together, so she comes over for breakfast." The words were hollow, and Emma knew he was lying.

Tiffany ate her eggs in silence but watched the exchange closely. She then turned and positioned herself so Emma could see her bare, crossed legs, the curve of her hip, and the fact that her robe was open at the front, exposing a black and pink lace corset that teased to show the curve of her breasts that were covered by the rest of the robe.

"Neal." Emma finally spoke, unable to process this fully. "This isn't okay."

"Isn't what?" Neal demanded. "It's not 'okay' to have breakfast with a friend? What is this? Are you turning into one of those jealous and possessive girls? Because there's nothing to be jealous over. We are friends having breakfast. I'm just a nice guy. I do things like this for my friends. But, of course, as per usual, Emma, you have to come in and fucking ruin it." He turned and threw the plate into the sink, food still on it. It shattered, and both Emma and Tiffany jumped. "Why can't you be happy for me? I'm back from the fucking DEAD, you selfish bitch! I'm allowed to make friends with girls who aren't you!"

' _Pathetic.'_

Neal looked at Tiffany, who just sat there, calmly eating her eggs, then back to Emma. "You're lucky I love you so much. Do you realize how lucky you are to have a guy as nice as me?"

She hung her head, feeling defeated. She didn't want to deal with this. Other women had to deal with this, this wasn't her life. She didn't want this. She couldn't handle it.

"I just…I don't think…" she stammered.

He interrupted her forcefully.

"You're right. You don't think. That's why I am the only person who can put up with you. God, you never think about anyone other than yourself, do you know that? What about me and what I want? I have friends and a life outside of you, and all you can think about is yourself. And when you're so damn mopey and sad all the time, it gets very hard to love you. But I still do. Even though you frustrate the hell out of me. The whole being 'depressed' thing is also incredibly un-sexy. It makes me so un-attracted to you. You need to be confident! That's what's sexy as hell!"

She saw Tiffany smirk into her coffee mug out of the corner of her eye.

' _They're just friends.'_

She knew full well that she was lying to herself, but she couldn't do this right now. Not in front of _her_. After a moment or two, knowing full well that the other people in the room were staring at her intently, she muttered "You said you had a surprise for me?"

"Oh! Right!" Neal beamed, his demeanour shifting from aggressive to pleasant again.

Tiffany loudly sipped her coffee.

He grabbed Emma by the hand and pulled her into the living room. "You actually walked right by it. Look!" he motioned to the couch set that she hadn't noticed.

Her heart fell. She couldn't smile.

Neal glared. "What's wrong with it?" he snapped.

"Nothing." She said sadly. "It's just…we were supposed to go pick out furniture together…"

"Oh my GOD!" Neal growled, throwing his hands in the air and turning away from her. "You are so FRUSTRATING! I go and pick out and buy beautiful furniture FOR YOU, and you bitch and complain about it. Very nice, Emma. God, you are such a pain in the ass! You never appreciate anything I do for you!"

Emma stood there, silent, looking at the furniture. It was a beautiful black leather sectional with mahogany end tables and a mahogany and glass coffee table. There was a large 82" TV on the wall across from the living room, and a game station was set up underneath it. He had spent a lot of money. But who's money? He didn't even have a job!

She knew she would end up paying for it all.

' _You're marrying him! Your money is his money now_.'

Tired and suddenly completely drained, she just sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"As you should be. You know what? I'm tired of this. Can you just go home? I can't handle you for the rest of the day."

She left, and when she turned to tell Neal she loved him, she saw Tiffany get out the stool and walk over to Neal.

The door was closed behind her forcefully.

During the drive home, Emma's head was spinning with everything that just happened. From Henry to Neal, she just felt completely defeated with life.

' _No one would miss you if you were gone…_ '

Once back at her parent's apartment, Emma stepped in and tossed her keys into the bowl by the door.

"Emma." Mary Margaret said in a way that she couldn't place. Emma turned and saw her sitting in the armchair by the table. It hadn't moved in about a week, as everyone seemed to silently agree that it made mealtimes much more enjoyable to have Mary Margaret be near them with baby Neal. "I made tea!" she said happily as she cradled Neal. She nodded at the table where a lovely tea pot sat with two cups and saucers.

Emma blinked and looked at her. "Thanks?"

"Sit!" she ordered, and stood, walking over to the bassinet and placing the sleeping infant inside of it. Emma stood for a moment, staring after her mother, and looking at the tea that was steeping in front of her.

' _Somebody's in trouble! Oh God, what did you do now? Ooh, is it because of how you treated Henry? Because, yea, you were totally a massive bitch_. _She's totally going to ream you a new one. And you deserve it. You're a horrible person, really, and a self-centered bitch_. _Just like Neal said you were_.'

Remembering Neal's words to her, and suddenly taking on the full understanding of what he had done and said, her left hand began to shake, and so she put it onto her lap as she sat at the table to keep it hidden. She didn't need her mother to know about this embarrassing fact. Recently, her anxiety had become so bad that she was developing a tremor in her left hand. It would begin to shake if she became overwhelmed, and after today, she was definitely overwhelmed. So much so that the shake had starting to become too difficult to hide, so she was starting to become more and more reclusive; only going to work, going to visit with Neal, and then going home.

Although the visiting with Neal didn't help with the shake. At all.

Emma sat in her spot and poured herself a pot of tea, willing her hand to stay steady as she handled her mother's china. She cradled the teacup with both hands, and stared at the steam rising from the brown liquid in front of her. Her mother loved herbal teas, specifically green. Emma was more of a coffee drinker, but could appreciate her mother's taste in tea. It was always good, whenever she served it.

"It's a north African mint tea!" Mary Margaret chirped, coming to sit at the end of the table. She reached out and poured herself a cup, adding a few tablespoons of sugar and some honey to the mixture.

Emma watched, wondering when she would start talking about, well, whatever she had wanted to talk about. It was also so hard to focus after her run in with Neal and Tiffany. She was having a hard time keeping her emotions in check.

It wasn't long before Mary Margaret cleared her throat and started talking, although she looked hesitant and weighed each word carefully as she spoke. "Honey," she started, "I have to say that your dad and I are worried about you."

Emma blinked and looked at her uncertainly. Her mother continued, fingering the rim of her cup nervously.

"Well, lately, you've been keeping to yourself more than usual. You don't really ever talk to your dad or I, Henry says that today was the first time in weeks he got to see you," Emma felt herself take a sharp breath, concerned that Henry would have told her what had happened between the two of them. If he had, her mom didn't say anything and only continued with the conversation. "Also, we don't know what happened between you and Killian, but we are concerned about you and Neal."

How could she know already? No one but her, Neal, or that other woman knew what had happened this afternoon, and they certainly wouldn't tell anyone. Or would they? It's not like anyone would have sympathy for her. 'She deserved it.' They would say.

' _She didn't pay enough attention to him.'_

' _She didn't satisfy him in bed.'_

' _Did they even sleep together?'_

"What? Why?"

"Well," she paused, staring at her own cup. It took her a moment to find the words, and perhaps the courage, before she could continue "He's changed you. You don't do what you want anymore, he constantly seems to be correcting you, and from what we can tell, he doesn't treat you very well at all. And he seems to be getting worse."

Emma felt a burning rage start up inside of her. They didn't know him the way she did!

' _He's the only good thing you have! You deserve those corrections! How DARE she!'_

"How dare you!" Emma snapped, quietly, so as not to wake up her little brother. "You don't see everything! Neal just has better ideas than I do. And he treats me just fine!"

"But, Emma, the difference in how Neal treats you and how Killian treated you…"

"Well I'm not with Killian, am I?" she practically growled, her eyes stinging with tears that revealed the pain she felt at saying those words.

"What happened between you two, Emma?" Mary Margaret reached out and put her hand on Emma's left…which had started to shake.

Mortified, Emma snatched her hand away and held it close to her. Her mom's concerned eyes were breaking her heart, but she couldn't find the right words.

' _You screwed up. Like you always do. And everyone knows it, even your mom. She's just asking to be nice. She doesn't actually love you, you know. She never wanted you. You're just a burden. Why do you think she got rid of you at the first opportunity?_ '

Emma shook and hung her head for a few minutes, hesitating. Could she trust her? Could she truly trust this woman who let her grow up alone? Who abandoned her and replaced her at the first opportunity?

Another voice, one that seemed different than the other, piped up for the first time:

It sounded like her own voice, but it couldn't have been.

'Take a chance, Emma.'

"I don't know. I just…I guess I got scared. I ran."

And then the other voice came back again, this time with a vengeance.

' _Well, now you've done it. She knows. She's going to judge you. She's thinking you're pathetic. Who the hell runs away from love? You're such an idiot to trust her. She ABANDONED you, remember? Idiot. Stupid. Pathetic_.'

Emma couldn't hold back her sadness anymore. The tears that had been threatening to fall leaked from her eyes, but soon became a stream of unbridled emotion. Mary Margaret paused for a moment, watching as the tears flowed down her daughters face, and then she reached out to take her shaking hand again. Emma tried to protest, but Mary Margaret was insistent and held her trembling appendage, caressing it lightly.

' _Well, you said it. Might as well tell her everything. How selfish you are, how you hurt him, chased him away…you're just a terrible person. She's going to think he was lucky to get away from you. You're pretty messed up, anyways. All of the men in your life want to get away from you._ '

Her mother didn't say anything, but waited for Emma to respond and just let her cry. She had been so strong for such a long time. After a few moments, Emma gulped and stammered in between sobs "I screwed up. I chased him away. I ignored him and buried myself in work. I even told him…I told him to leave me alone. I couldn't handle it. And now he's with Ruby, and I just…I just can't do it. I'm with Neal now, and that's better for Henry anyways, and Neal is always leading me in the right direction, and making sure I do the right thing, and…"

"Emma. Stop."

Emma shook, and she suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired.

Mary Margaret looked at her daughter, tears burning in her own eyes. Emma's heart beat quickly. Did her mom actually care?

' _Of course she doesn't care. She just likes the drama. You're just a burden on her, you know.'_

"I…I didn't think you would care." Emma said, quietly.

"Oh, god, Emma!" Mary Margaret got up and pulled her into a hug. "Emma, I always care! You're my daughter and I love you!"

Emma turned and hugged her mom back. They were like that for quite a while, until her mom pulled back and looked at her.

"You're loved. I love you, your dad loves you, and Henry adores you." Her mom cooed, rubbing her back.

"I…I've felt so alone…"

"Don't ever feel alone again. You're loved." She repeated.

Emma cried for a long time, and her mom sat there, holding her throughout. Once Emma felt she was cried out, she suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. She nodded into her mom's shirt, and then let go. There were wet marks all over Mary Margaret's blue shirt, and Emma groaned. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Mary Margaret responded with a grin. "We can blame it on little Neal."

Neal. The name made Emma cringe.

' _He's the only one who will ever love you. Remember that.'_

It was as if a spell that had been cast over her was now broken.

And in that moment, she knew what she had to do.

Even though she felt exhausted, she stood up and hugged her mom tightly.

"Thank you." She whispered. "I love you, mom. I have to go…I'll be right back, okay? Any chance you have a bottle of wine around here somewhere that we can crack?"

Her mother grinned widely. "I'm sure I can find something. It will be ready to go by the time you get back."

"Oh good. I won't be long. Pour me a glass!"

She knew this was going to be hard.

' _God you're so full of drama. Why can't you let things go? You're a typical jealous girl. He's nice and treats you well! You're pathetic_.'

She walked out of her parent's apartment and for the first time, felt the crisp fall air on her face. It was cooling and invigorating. She felt so alive.

The sun was just beginning to set as she made her way to her car, pulling her keys out of her pocket by habit. She paused for a moment as she was about to unlock her yellow Volkswagen, and considered otherwise. "I'm going to walk." She said quietly to herself, happily, then put the keys back into her jacket pocket.

She practically skipped down the road back to Neal's. She was nervous, but she had a new burst of energy and pride that was growing within her with every step. He was cheating on her. He was not the nice guy he said he was, and neither of them were happy. If she had to be alone, she was going to be alone.

' _No one else will ever want you. You're damaged.'_

The world seemed brighter to her as she walked through town. The sun had set during her walk into the main part of Storybrooke, and the lights from all the businesses along mainstreet seemed to light up the street. She said a cheerful hello to everyone as she passed, and they seemed equally as happy, although confused, to return the greeting.

Then, just ahead, she saw him. His metal hook glinted in the dimly lit street as she approached, and he grinned at her. A thought crossed her mind.

' _You aren't allowed to talk to him! Neal will be angry_!'

Emma paused for a moment, her heart racing with anxiety. She considered crossing the street to get away from him. The courage she had just received from her mother was fading and she began to panic.

' _Get away from him. Don't talk to him. Don't be disloyal_!'

'It's okay.' The gentle thought crossed her mind. 'You are allowed to talk to your friends. You know your own intentions.'

"Hello." She said quietly, but happily, her heart skipping a beat as his eyes looked into hers. He was confused for a moment, as he had gotten used to her avoiding him more and more in the recent months, but he seemed to be pleasantly surprised by her acknowledging him. It was a huge improvement over the last time he had seen her, and he wasn't about to pass this by.

"Swan." He nodded at her.. "You look cheerful. Might I ask about the occasion that put a smile on your lips this evening?"

"Well, you know, I think I just got the boost I needed to get rid of some baggage that was holding me down." She smiled meekly at him, and his eyebrows furrowed. She knew she was confusing him and laughed. "It's okay if you don't understand." She hesitated for a moment, but she knew what she wanted. This streak of courage had to continue. She moved to walk away, then stopped, then moved again, then stopped, until finally she simply blurted out "Do you want to come over tonight?" her words came out so quickly that Killian hardly had time to understand what she had just asked. She continued, rushing her words. "Mom is cracking open a bottle of wine, dad will be home soon, and between the four of us, I think we can do a good job on it. I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to, but I would really like to see you and we have so much to talk about and…"

"I would be glad to oblige you, m'lady." He grinned at her and her heart practically lept from her chest it was racing so hard. "But…by the four of us…what is happening to that charming fiancée of yours?"

Emma blushed, awkwardly. "I'll tell you more later. Just…trust me, okay?"

He nodded and moved forward to take her hand, but then hesitated. Her heart fluttered again. Oh how she had missed him. He was such a gentleman and would not take her hand until he knew that she was no longer engaged. He stood there awkwardly, so she made the move and wrapped her arms around his neck, tightly.

' _You're such a whore_.'

He hugged her back, desperately. There was so much energy between them that she felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. She didn't want to let go, and he seemed to be thinking the exact same thing. She knew she had to go. The sooner she ended things with Neal, the sooner she could be happy, even if Killian was with someone else. She was happy for him. Genuinely happy for him. They had so much to talk about, and she was going to live her life to the fullest, even if it meant being alone for a while. She was okay with that.

"Just…wait for me, okay?" She whispered into his ear.

"I will always be here for you, Emma." He murmured back, hugging her even tighter before they parted. "Whatever happens, I will always be here for you."

She smiled widely, then gently touched his arm before continuing on. She turned and saw Killian watching her, a funny smile on his face. She waved, then turned and kept going. She knew he was heading to her parents, and tonight, they were all going to talk and catch up. She felt as if she had been in a trance for so long.

' _You're making a huge mistake. They don't really love you. It's all a lie_.'

She made it to Neal's in a haze of happiness and scarcely remembered how she got there. At his door, she stopped to take his house key off of her key ring, but paused when she heard a noise coming from inside. Her eyes furrowed, quizzically, and she finished fumbling with her keys, putting them back into her pocket, and then slowly and quietly opened the door and entered the apartment.

Emma walked into the apartment and shook her head. It wasn't really surprising to her what she found. There were candles lit all over, smooth jazz was playing, and there was a finished bottle of wine and two wine glasses sitting on the coffee table.

' _Just think – if you hadn't been such a bitch, this could have been you.'_

A small pang of jealousy hit her, but she continued forward. This wasn't someone who she wanted to be with. She had to end this now so they could both move on.

She heard the noise again coming from the closed bedroom door. Quietly, she walked towards it. The noise was definitely moaning – both from him and her.

'Oh come on. He's not that good. You're faking.' She growled inwardly. She knew she had no right to be jealous of these people, but she couldn't help it.

' _You could have been all his if you had just been a better fiancée.'_

As she stepped up to the door, she hesitated for a moment with her hand hovering over the handle. She could just call him. She could leave him a note. Those would both have the exact same effect.

'You're so dramatic.'

She turned as if to walk away, but another loud moan caught her attention, and the woman practically screamed "Oh god, Neal! Yeah, just like that…oooh…"

Yeah. She was definitely going in.

She turned the door handle, and that is the last thing she would remember before the world went dark.

Author's Note: Not the end!


	5. Apparition

Author's Note: I took my time with this chapter as it is pivotal to the plot and I didn't want to rush it. I've been so excited to get you all to this point! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I re-wrote it a few times because I wanted it to be just right. Enjoy!

 _A slow and simple melody_

 _Of tears you cannot keep from me_

 _It's alright if you don't know what you need_

 _You are perfect porcelain_

Porcelain - Mariana's Trench

Chapter 5

A shriek.

But not her voice.

"I'll handle it."

Pain.

So much pain.

Cold.

His voice.

Not his voice.

Evil.

Not yet.

It was night when Emma finally came to. She had no idea how long she had been unconscious for, or how exactly she got to where she was, but she was awake. That was step one. Once minute she was standing in front of Neal's door, and the next, she found herself standing in the crater where the wishing well had been.

The wind was bellowing around her, but for some reason, she didn't feel cold. She didn't feel anything at all, really.

"Oh shit…Killian! Mom! Dad! Ah, I'm so late!" she felt her stomach turn as she wondered how long she had kept them all waiting. They probably thought she was blowing them off. She panicked. Her and her mom had just started to bond. She couldn't let them down now!

She looked up to the top of the sharply angled crater and started to climb out of the hole. Emma found it surprisingly easy to maneuver her body up and was quickly able to pull herself up and out. At the top of the hole, she looked around. A week ago, the town had decided that there needed to be a path to the well site in order to investigate how Neal had returned. She knew that she was present for that conversation, but she scarcely recalled it. Her mind was a million miles away at the time, and she couldn't be bothered to care about how or why Neal came back. Now that she was here, she searched frantically for the gap in the trees.

It wasn't too far from her, and she sighed in relief that it had already been completed.

'They work fast!' Emma mused to herself.

She started walking down the path and was through the debris field quickly. The dwarves had made short work of the downed forest, and there was quite a nice path through to the other side. She looked down at herself, intending to brush off any dirt that had gotten on her when she fell. It was then that she realized she had changed. She was no longer in her usual garb, but in a loose, white sun dress that was adorned with lace. It had small straps that sat lightly on her shoulders, and the bottom, lined with more lace, hung just above her knees. She also noted that, while she was not wearing any shoes, the rocky ground didn't bother her feet. In fact, she hardly felt it.

'I must have hit my head harder than I thought. I'll have to go to the hospital later.' She thought to herself as she took off jogging down the path. 'Why would Neal change my clothes?'

"Oh, God, I'm so late. They're going to think something happened to me!" she groaned out loud, wondering what time it was as she ran.

She was back in town shortly and slowed to a walk. The town was quiet and seemed to be darker than usual. There was only a few people walking along the main street, and they all look distressed, while dressed in black. She looked around, puzzled. All the shops were dark and closed, with signs in their windows saying "In Memorium."

She saw Doc walking towards her with Grumpy. Both looked unusually upset, their hands in their pockets, heads down, with no words passing between them. They both seemed to be off in their own worlds.

"Doc! Grumpy!"

They didn't even look up at her. They didn't even move to go around her. To avoid a collision, she stepped aside to let them pass.

' _No one noticed that you went missing_.'

She shook her head. No, they were upset at something else. Someone really important had to have died. Her stomach churned in horror.

Mom? Dad? Regina?

Henry?

She wanted to scream as she wondered, but just then, Dr. Hopper walked by with Pongo. Pongo's tail wagged as he looked at her and barked. Dr. Hopper didn't even look up and just quietly tugged on the leash.

"Come on, Pongo."

Pongo barked at her again before turning and trotting away next to his master.

Emma was actually hurt this time. She could hear the voice in her head cackling and screaming ' _I told you so!_ ' over and over again.

She was beginning to wonder if she had something to do with whoever died. That had to be the reason that everyone was ignoring her. But…she hadn't done anything.

She turned the corner and saw Grannie's all lit up. It looked as if the entire town was in the little diner, all dressed in black with a subdued atmosphere. This was normal behaviour for a wake in their town, so she slowly made her way towards it. She didn't want to go in. If it was somehow her fault that someone important had died, she wanted to stay away from the mob. She did, however, want to get a better look at who was all in there. That would be a good indication of who it was.

She stepped off the sidewalk, only daring to venture to the middle of the street. That was far enough away that she could get a good view of everyone in the building.

There was a large crowd, and to her relief, she saw Henry almost immediately. Dressed in a black tuxedo, he looked very handsome. Regina and Robin were there, as well as her mother and father.

The blue fairy maybe? No. She spotted her just off to the left.

Oh god.

Killian?

She stood on her tip toes and tried to get a good look in the building. It was then that she saw it…a strange, black cloud-like shape that was hovering above someone in the crowd. It didn't take human form, but she noticed that it was an unearthly black. Darker than the sky, but still slightly transparent, it hovered. It seemed to be staring at her.

Emma shuddered. Suddenly she felt cold.

She had to find Killian.

She ran.

Whatever happened, it had to have happened longer ago than the few hours since she…what exactly happened to her, she wondered? Did she get knocked out? Pass out? Fall asleep?

Since her parents were at Grannie's and not her house, she knew Killian wouldn't be there. She had to find him. It couldn't have been him. Her heart raced in her chest. She wanted to scream.

"No, no no…he can't be dead!" she cried out loud.

' _If he is, that would fit your pattern. Killing the men you love._ '

She headed to the only place she could think of where he would be. The ocean.

She ran to the docks and made record time. In fact, she hardly remembered the journey, and she wasn't winded at all, even though she had run the whole way.

A fleeting thought passed through her mind. 'I've just run all the way from the well into town, then out to the ocean and I'm not tired…why…'

Her thoughts were interrupted by the frustrating fact that there was no one around.

She couldn't see him, and none of the boats looked occupied.

Frustrated, she wandered down the pier and examined each of the boats. None looked to have been used in a while.

At the end of the pier, she paused and stared out at the sea. The moon was full and was just hovering above the horizon, creating a large white reflection in the calm ocean waters. It was peaceful. Taking a deep breath and smelling the cool sea air, she looked up and down the shoreline on either side of the pier. To the left and down the shoreline, she saw a small flicker of light coming from the beach in the cove nearby.

That had to be him!

Relief washed over her like a tidal wave. He was alive!

She ran back down the dock, through the woods and then back down to the beach.

His leather jacket had been shrugged off and was laying on a log beside him. He was hunched over, his forehead resting on his hand, and his shoulders were in such a defeated posture that she wanted nothing more than to hold him and make him feel better in any way she could. She walked around the fire, slowly, so that she could see his face.

It was obscured by his hand. Her throat suddenly felt parched and she swallowed, trying to get any semblance of moisture in her mouth so that she could speak, then walked into the firelight.

Sensing someone was there, Killian looked up at her, and his eyes widened in visible shock. They were bloodshot and puffy, and his face was tear stained. He rubbed his nose with his sleeve and continued to stare at her, breathing heavily and sniffing. It looked like he had been crying for a while, and his voice was hoarse and cracked when he finally spoke. "Emma?" He looked both hopeful and terrified at the same time.

She smiled at him. "Yeah. It's me."

"Emma." Killian's eyes began to water again. "Emma." He furiously wiped away the tears, but there were more that followed. It was as if he couldn't stop them. "I can't believe it. Oh my god." He unashamedly ignored the new torrent of water on his face and pushed himself to his feet. He opened his arms and moved to her to hold her, and she realized that there was nothing more that she wanted in the world but to be in his arms.

She walked toward him.

But then she was past him.

She didn't feel him at all.

He went through her.

They were both as motionless as stone for several minutes, trying to understand what just happened and both too shocked to react. Slowly, Emma turned around to stare at Killian, and saw him doing the same. They stared at each other.

"Emma…" Killian's voice cracked, and she saw the look of complete despair in his eyes. She saw his knees shake and give out underneath him. He landed on the ground, hard, but his eyes never wavered from her face. It all seemed like a dream, and they both seemed to move in slow motion to her. The sounds of the world around them faded away until all she could hear was his breathing. It was heavy, but quick and irregular. He was almost hyperventilating.

Those eyes that once held so much genuine love and devotion to her were now brimming with relentless grief.

No. It couldn't be.

"Killian…I can't…I'm not…" her voice trailed off. She couldn't finish her sentence, but he knew what she was going to say.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down. After a moment, he then nodded. While she stood there, staring at him kneeling there so helplessly in front of her, he said the words she hadn't wanted to hear. "The wake today was for you, love."

The words resonated through her as the reality of the situation came crashing down like a tidal wave. All at once, the sounds of the world came back. She continued to stare at his still frame. He wasn't looking at her anymore. Instead, his hand and hook were resting limply upon his lap, his head hung low so that she couldn't see his face. She couldn't help but notice how small and helpless he seemed to her. Right now, he wasn't Captain Hook. He wasn't Killian Jones. He was simply one helpless man. He had no great hidden power to wield, and no particular skill with magic. He was just a man.

She was in front of him in an instant and knelt, lowering her head to catch his eyes with hers. He had no tears. It was as if he could cry no more.

' _You did this_.'

She leaned back, and they just stayed there for a few moments. She didn't want to rush him, or at least that's what she told herself. How was she so calm right now?

Maybe she really was dead after all. She didn't feel anxious, scared, or regretful. She just felt numb. And suddenly very cold.

"Killian," she said softly. He didn't move. She didn't push him.

After a while, he shifted and sat down on the ground, turning his body to face the fire. He had to be cold.

"I…I shouldn't have let you push me away." His voice was soft, but determined. She sighed and was about to argue, but he shook his head to say he wasn't finished. After a moment, he continued. "I don't know what happened to you or why you decided to push me away, but I knew I should have stopped you. I wanted to. When you said you needed space and pushed me away, I should have fought for you. But I didn't want to scare you…why did you push me away, Emma?"

She sighed heavily. There was no point in denying it. She knew she had chased him away after they stopped the author. Now, she had to come clean.

"I saw you die." She murmured, her voice soft and just above a whisper, but she knew he could hear her. "My dad killed you in the other universe, and when we got back…I was so happy to see you alive. But after a while, I started to think that you were in danger when you were around me. It could happen for real and there wouldn't be anything I could do about it. And, honestly, I don't know that I can live without you. You were too close to me, so I guess I just started to shut you out. Not intentionally at first, but after a few weeks of avoiding you, when I told you I needed space and time, I was trying to chase you away. To keep you away from me so that I didn't kill you. I already killed Neal, and to kill you too would just destroy me. That day I saw you with Ruby was one of the happiest I'd had in a long time because I knew you were moving on and…"

"Ruby?" he snapped his head to her, eyes flashing. "What do you mean you saw me with Ruby?"

"You two looked so cute together and were spending a lot of time together. I saw her on your arm…"

He interrupted her, sharply. "Love, I need you to listen to me very carefully." She met his intense gaze. He spoke slowly so that each syllable would resonate with her. "Ruby is just a friend. I haven't looked at another woman in a romantic fashion since I met you. She was helping me come up with a way to win you back because I thought that, somehow, I had hurt you or offended you."

Emma's head spun.

' _You're such an idiot_.'

"Emma, you are perfect. You are my true love. I saw the tears you'd been crying, even when you looked perfectly fine to everyone else. You can't keep them from me. I know you. I was okay that you didn't know what you needed. I have always been here when you needed someone to see you. Just you. Emma Swan. Not the Saviour, not the Sheriff, and not just Henry's mother. I see you. It was always alright to take time to figure yourself out because you have always been perfect in my eyes."

She couldn't respond. She had felt so alone for so long. She had pushed him away, and he had given her exactly what she wanted. He had given her space. By not talking to him, she had made a grievous mistake.

And now it was too late.

"I…I didn't think anyone saw me. Least of all you. I thought you liked me because I was the Saviour. Some sort of a power fetish."

He growled. "If I could touch you, I would kiss those dirty words right out of your mouth."

She smirked, but did not respond. They sat there in comfortable silence. After a moment, she could tell that he was wanting to ask her a question, but couldn't seem to find the words. "What is it?"

He hesitated, and she looked at him. It was as if he was fighting with himself whether or not he truly wanted the answer. Finally, he seemed to work up the courage "Emma…after you saw me, you went to Neal's, correct?"

She paused, taking a moment to wrack her brain for any memory of what had happened to her. After a moment, she responded "I remember walking to Neal's. I don't actually remember if I got there or not."

"Oh." He said, softly, then stared into the fire.

"Did Neal say that he saw me?"

He shook his head. "He said you never showed up. I don't believe a word he said, but I suppose it's possible someone else…" he trailed off. She didn't press him.

They were quiet for a moment, just listening to the fire crackling in front of them. She kept thinking that this couldn't be it. This couldn't be the end. She had to know what happened. "We need to start talking to people. Well, you do, anyways. I was just in town and no one was able to see me. Pongo had a strange reaction, but Dr. Hopper definitely had no idea that I was there."

Killian raised an eyebrow, amused. "Your wake isn't even finished, love, and you want me to go interview the despairing mourners? I'm sometimes a giant dick, but this crosses the line even for me."

"Well then…can we go see Henry? Have you talked to him today?" He shook his head, then averted his gaze. Odd. "What? Why didn't you talk to him? Was he surrounded after the wake or…"

"I didn't go." He responded, flatly.

She paused, then said "You didn't go to my wake. Why not?"

He shook his head. "I couldn't. When they said you were most likely dead, I couldn't handle it. I've avoided everyone for days."

She felt a twinge of guilt. How she wished she could remember something. Anything.

"Well…let's at least go see my parents." He continued to stare at the fire. "Or I could leave you and go by myself…"

He growled and practically jumped to his feet. He reached out to grab her, to hold her, as it was something natural that he would do at any other time, but his hand passed through her arm. A look of pain crossed his face and he closed his eyes, took a breath before saying "You are not leaving my sight again. I don't know why or how you're here with me…whether or not you're even real…maybe you're just in my head. I don't know. Either way, I am not letting you go again. Ever. If you want me to go chat with your parents right now, then I will. I'm not happy about it, and it will be very bad form, but I will. For you."

"Good." She chirped, then stood and they headed back to town, leaving the ocean side fire to burn out on its own.

They didn't talk much along the way. There was so much that she had wanted to say to him, but she did not know where to start. What she did know was that she had wasted so much time believing that she had chased him away for good. She had even gotten engaged to someone else, when she knew that she had always wanted Killian.

Grannie's diner was dark, as were all of the buildings in town. It was so quiet that the hum of the street lamps could be heard as they walked down the abandoned streets of Storybrooke. The soft tapping of Killian's shoes echoed quietly in a comforting rhythm.

She looked sadly at the diner "I can't believe that was for me." She said, quietly. "I didn't think anyone really cared."

"Everyone cared, love. In their own way, everyone was there."

"Except you."

He didn't say anything. They kept walking.

"I couldn't accept that I'd lost you." He admitted as they turned onto the street of her parent's apartment. "If I didn't go to the wake, there was a still a chance you were alive…they had to physically restrain me to get me to stop searching for you. I was out there for five days straight with no food, limited water…coffee and panic was what drove me. Eventually, I collapsed and slept for two days. When I woke up, they told me they had called off the search."

Emma didn't know what to say. She just wanted to touch him. To let him know that she was still there…but they both knew she wasn't. This was the confirmation. Being a ghost is pretty much it.

As they walked up the stairs of her parent's building, she could hear a hum of voices coming from the apartment. Her heart leapt when she heard Henry's voice echo through the hall.

"I'll…I'll need to…mourn with them, love." Killian said, quietly. "They won't know you're there. This will take a while."

She nodded. "At least I'll see them."

He took a deep breath, then turned the handle and opened the door.

A chorus of "Killian!" echoed into the hall. She could hear people pushing chairs and standing, moving around to get to him.

She paused before going in. She didn't know if she could handle seeing everyone crying. But, she knew she had to. She had to see them up close.

She stepped into the room before Regina closed the door. Not surprisingly, Regina's arm passed right through her and the former queen didn't even flinch.

Emma took a deep breath and smiled as she saw her mother hugging Killian tightly. Her eyes were red and bloodshot as well. Everyone was dressed in their most formal black outfit. Her parents, Henry, Regina, and Robin.

Mary Margaret pushed Killian back to smile up at him. "I'm glad you finally came. I know she would want you to be here."

He nodded and gave her a sad half-smile. "I know…I'm so sorry. I couldn't…"

"It's okay, Killian." David smiled warmly at him. His eyes were red too.

'They really are sad…I didn't know…I didn't think they cared…"

Killian moved to step around the coffee table and Emma was able to see Henry. He had been blocked by her mom and Killian's embrace, but now she could see him properly in his black dress shirt and pants. He, too, had obviously been crying.

"How is he?" Killian turned to Regina as Mary Margaret went back to sit beside David, who was cradling baby Neal.

Regina shook her head and looked at Henry, sadly. "Not good. He hasn't said anything since they called off the search."

"Poor kid. Has there been any word on what happened? Any new clues?"

"I haven't heard anything yet." Regina sighed and rubbed her temples slowly. She looked very tired. "I've been doing interview after interview since they found the blood, but no one seems to know anything. And Baelfire won't talk to me."

'Blood? My blood? I was hurt? How does Regina know this?'

Killian sneered. "Of course not. He was the last one to see her alive. Why would he talk to you when he knows you'll figure it out?"

Regina smirked back at him. "I'm hoping he's just so distraught that he just can't handle it. However, I would also hope that he would want to find out what happened to his fiance just as much as we do."

"If there's anything I can do to help, let me know."

She nodded at him, then turned and walked towards Henry. Killian glanced at her quickly, and sadly, then went over to Robin and began asking the same questions. Robin responded pretty much the same way. They hadn't heard anything or found anything.

It took Emma a moment to realize from the conversations that Killian was having with the two, that Regina and Robin had to be the ones who took over her case. It made sense, since David would not have been in any state to do so. And seeing that her dad had lost a significant amount of weight and was in no shape to be the head of her possible murder investigation, Emma couldn't remember a time that she had ever been more grateful to Regina than she was just now. Having to investigate his own daughter's disappearance and or murder would have been too much for him.

"Mom?" Henry's voice broke loudly through the hum of conversation in the room.

Everyone turned to him, confused at his outburst. Regina was sitting right beside him, but he was staring across the room…

It took Emma a moment to realize that he was staring at her.

"Mom?" Henry repeated, more forcefully, and slowly pushed himself to his feet. His eyes began to well up.

Regina looked horrified and reached up to pull him back down, her eyes darting around the room. "Henry…I'm right here…"

He shook her hand off of him and started walking right towards Emma.

She didn't know what to do. She just stood there, mouth open, and stared.

"Mom…are you really here?"

Killian put his hand on Regina's shoulder to stop her from grabbing Henry.

Slowly, Henry was walking towards her, hands up to reach out and touch her.

And that was when Mary Margaret gasped then exclaimed "Emma?"

Emma looked over to them and she could see her parents staring at her, eyes wide with shock and horror. She couldn't believe it. She looked to Killian, whose expression was that of relief. He had to be happy that he wasn't the only one who could see her.

Henry stood in front of her, and she looked down at him. She smiled widely and nodded. "Hey kiddo."

"MOM!" he exclaimed and moved to hug her, but his arms passed through her. He stumbled, then, emerging behind her, he turned and shook his head, eyes brimming with tears and anger. "No! No! You can't be dead!"

"Emma," Mary Margaret was next to her now, studying her. "What happened?"

"I don't know."

"Okay," Regina cried as she stood, looking at Robin who seemed just as perplexed as she was. "What are you all seeing? Is Emma here?"

"Yes. She found me on the beach." Killian said, looking right at Emma.

Henry looked so forlorn that all Emma wanted to do was hug him. Instead, she turned and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, kid. I don't know what's going on."

"So, wait," Mary Margaret said slowly "does this mean that you're…you're really dead?"

Emma didn't respond. She didn't know. She simply looked at them all. "You all see me…" she smiled. "You all really see me."

"Of course we see you!" Henry cried. "You're my mom! And we all love you!"

"Emma!" Mary Margaret snapped. "Are. You. Dead?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What do you remember?" Henry asked, still staring at her. Studying her.

"I…I remember going to Neal's. I don't remember being there."

"She says she remembers going to Neal's," Killian reiterated to Regina, not taking his eyes off of Emma. "But she doesn't remember actually making it there."

Regina looked to everyone in the room and seemed hurt. "How come you all can see her, but I can't? I'm the one with the magic!"

"I can't see her either." Robin admitted, looking around at everyone else.

"I think its because we all love her unconditionally. You used to hate her." Mary Margaret said bluntly.

Regina paused for a moment, weighing this revelation, then shrugged and sat down next to Robin on the couch. "Fair enough. Well, if you all can see her, let's get her talking so that we can figure out what happened to her."

Emma moved to stand by Killian, and Henry followed, sadly. He sat next to Regina, not taking his eyes off of his mom.

"I already told you," looking at everyone, she spoke apologetically, "I don't remember what happened. I remember talking to Killian, then I was headed to Neal's, and that's it."

"We know that, love," Killian said, slowly, "but do you remember speaking to Neal? Try to think. Did someone grab you on the street? What road did you take?"

"I don't…"

Her sentence was interrupted by a feeling in her side.

She was cold.

Oh god. It hurt so much!

She winced and clutched her right side. It hurt.

She bent forward and began to scream from the pain.

"Mom?!" Henry cried, reaching out to her.

It was dark.

So dark.

And cold.

Oh god, it hurt so much.

Her chest hurt.

Breathing hurt.

She gasped and coughed.

Sharp pain in her throat.

She forced her eyes open.

Darkness.

Musty.

Wooden floorboards. Rotten.

Crumbling fireplace.

Broken glass. Broken window.

She could hear the trees.

The pain was overwhelming and she screamed again.

She was suddenly the opposite side of her parent's apartment, on the floor in the fetal position.

"Emma!?" Killian was kneeling at her side in an instant. Everyone seemed to be running towards her. "Love! What just happened!?"

The pain had gone and Emma sat up. Her eyes looked into Killian's, and she gasped "I'm not dead!"

Author's Note: Qu'elle surprise! If you're enjoying this, please leave me a few kind words. If you're not…I take private messages with tactful criticism! :) Please send me any questions you may have and I will do my best to answer without giving away too much of the plot. I politely request that you do not post questions about the story as reviews as it could potentially ruin important plot points for future readers.


	6. Burning House

Author's Note: I took the liberty of changing my narration style for one part of this chapter. It's my story and I do what I want! Thank you for all of your kind reviews and supportive words!

I would like to remind you to not review with any questions about the plot. This story has so many twists and turns that any plot questions could ruin the surprise for later readers. Thank you! Enjoy!

 _I had a dream about a burnin' house_

 _You were stuck inside I couldn't get you out_

 _Laid beside you and pulled you close_

 _And the two of us went up in smoke_

 _I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone_

Burning House - Cam

 **Chapter 6 - Burning House**

"Alright, let's go over what we know." Regina was pacing back and forth across the living room, hands behind her back, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Emma watched her closely, but found herself fidgeting. "First, Emma is alive, but only you people can see her. How?"

"Regina, we need to get looking for…" Mary Margaret started but was quickly interrupted by Regina who held up a stern hand as a motion for her to be quiet.

"Once we discover how she is appearing to you, we will be able to figure out how to find her. Obviously she is still connected to her body. Hook," her eyes snapped to the pirate who was currently watching Emma with desperate eyes. At the mention of his name, he tore his eyes away from her and turned to Regina. "Hook, you mentioned that she said she was cold? That's important. It means that she somehow still has a connection to her physical body. We can use that."

She started to pace again, arms folded across her chest and her stiletto heels clicking on the hardwood floor.

"We need to go look for her!" Killian cried impatiently, his eyes scanning the room desperately for someone to agree with him. He moved to the door, but Regina waved him off.

"No. If her body was going to shut down, it would have already. My guess is that her magic is keeping her body preserved until we can find her. I don't think that her magic will last another week, but a few more days shouldn't be a problem. If she's here and still this visible, her body still has enough strength. We have a little time. Not much, which is why we need to figure out how to find her and soon."

"Should we tell Neal?" Robin shrank back into his seat, regretting his decision to speak as everyone seemed to simultaneously glare at him. "What? I'm just saying that he's her fiance. He would want to know, wouldn't he?"

"He also might be the last person to have seen her." David explained. "We don't know what his involvement is, so I think we should leave him out of this until we know for sure. Plus, he has been acting really odd since he got back from where ever he's been. I'm not a fan of him as a person, anyways, so I would rather we leave him out of it as much as possible."

"He's also very chummy with that…woman." Mary Margaret muttered, but loudly enough that everyone in the room still heard her.

There was a murmur of consent that rose from around the room. Robin nodded his head in understanding, but he seemed uncomfortable with the idea. Emma understood where he was coming from. If anything had happened to Regina, she was sure that Robin would be a man obsessed with figuring it out and finding her.

Regina's face suddenly split into a wide smile and she snapped her fingers. "I've got it! I know a spell…I need my ingredients. Where's Emma?" Emma was standing between Killian and Henry and, with an impish grin to Henry, she waved. Regina, of course, couldn't see her, so Henry giggled while motioning to her for Regina. Emma stood still while Regina tried in vain to at least pretend she knew where she was. "Emma, I am going to tie you fully back to your body. I think I know what's happening with you because I saw it happen once before in the Enchanted Forest. It's called Astral Projection. There are some people who can separate their souls from their bodies and, essentially, walk around and interact with the world without their flesh. You are choosing only to interact with certain people, which is fine but annoying to the one person who can help you…"

Emma rolled her eyes and Henry snorted with laughter. Regina glowered. "What? I'm being serious. Anyways, I might be able to create a path by lighting up your soul's tie to your body. We can simply follow it and find you."

"How simple is this? What's the price?" Mary Margaret asked, nervous to hear about the answer.

Regina hesitated, then responded "I'm not sure. We could be talking about anything from the thing you love the most, to your soul itself, and everything in between. I really don't know."

"Is it one of our souls? Because I'd gladly give mine up."

Regina smiled at him. "I know you would, sweetie. But no. It's Emma. Emma is the one who is walking on an astral plane. Emma has to be the one to pay the price."

Emma sighed in relief, but she could see everyone else visibly tensing up. "What's wrong with you guys? This is great! None of you will have to sacrifice anything for me"

Killian glowered at her. "You sacrifice for everyone else on a weekly basis, love. It would be nice to help you for once."

"He's right, mom." Henry said softly. "It's not fair how much you have to make hard choices to help us and the town."

Emma looked at them both gratefully. "I know. But this way is safer for all of you."

"How long until the spell is ready, Regina?" David asked, handing the sleeping baby Neal off to his wife.

"It's hard to say. I have only heard of the spell before. I've never attempted it. Mr. Gold was the one who did it last time, but I'm pretty sure I can recreate it."

"Well, we certainly can't ask for his help." Mary Margaret muttered.

Regina nodded in agreement. "And I can't even ask for any tips from him, either. He'd know right away. I'll just have to perfect it on my own without a practice run and on the first try." She groaned. "No pressure, right?"

"You can do it, mom." Henry chirped, eyes shining with admiration for her. "You've competed tougher spells. And I can always go ask Belle for some books too. She won't think twice about me asking about this stuff. I ask about weird things all the time as it is."

Humbly, Regina lowered her head and nervously tucked a stray hair behind her ear. Emma spotted a small blush on her cheeks. Even though they had always had a strained relationship, Emma couldn't deny that she respected Regina and her transformation. Her desperate desire to change for Henry and to give up being evil was something that she had struggled with, but she came through on the other side stronger than ever. Emma always considered it kind of like a drug addiction, Growing up, Emma had been surrounded by drug and alcohol addiction simply from being in the foster care system. Watching someone with an addiction was never easy, but watching them struggle to change was harder. Change is never easy. But at the end of the day, it is worth it.

"I'll need a day to get it all together and study the spell before I can perform it. Why don't we all meet back here tomorrow night just after sunset?"

There was a murmur of consent that passed around the room. Henry looked up to Emma. "You're going to stay here, aren't you?"

"There's nowhere else in the world I would rather be than right here, kid."

"Why don't you stay here tonight, Henry?" Mary Margaret offered. "You can sleep in Emma's bed. Only if it's alright with you, of course, Regina."

The tall, black haired woman smiled softly at Henry. "I wouldn't dream of taking him home after the week we've had. Of course he can stay. Just send him home for a change of clothes tomorrow morning." They hugged, and then Regina and Robin left the apartment, discussing spells and a game plan to hunt down all of the necessary ingredients and equipment.

After then left, Killian looked at Mary Margaret with pleading eyes and was about to ask if he could stay as well when she simply smiled and said "Of course you can stay. I wouldn't dream of sending you away."

Baby Neal was fed and put to bed, and everyone else in the apartment soon followed suit. Emma, Killian, and Henry climbed the stairs to Emma's bedroom. Henry had a drawer for his clothes in Emma's room and happily snatched his pajamas from the drawer then ducked into the bathroom to change.

Killian shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the hook behind the door, then settled into the armchair in the corner of Emma's room.

Emma sat on the bed and looked around her room with, it seemed, new eyes. The last time she was in here, her mind had been a haze of negativity and she hardly registered the room at all. Now, it seemed, with her body hovering on the edge of death and her soul wandering across the astral plane, she was seeing the world in a clearer way. It had only recently dawned on her during the conversation downstairs that the people who were able to see her, had always seen her. Killian had always known her. It terrified her that, after all the years she had spent trying to hide herself from the world, this man had come along and peeled away the layers she had built around herself and was able to see her true self. The self that was vulnerable, insecure, and ultimately, the part that was capable of being destroyed if left to the wrong person.

She had thought Neal was the one to see her. All those years of running together, and even having a child with him, she had always thought he was the one. She had hoped he was. She thought she had loved him so much, and that he loved her in return, but in reality, he had only wanted to claim her.

Henry came out of the bathroom and climbed into the bed. He said goodnight to Killian, turned off the lamp beside the bed, and then crawled under the covers facing his mom. Emma laid down beside him, arms tucked up under her head.

They smiled at each other, and she reached out to touch him. She knew she couldn't, but she gently brushed her hand against his cheek. She knew that neither of them felt it physically, but emotionally, they both felt it at the very core of their souls. Unconditional and unbreakable love. That was a mother's love. It was something she'd had to learn in recent years, but there it was. She adored Henry, and knew that there was nothing that she wouldn't do for him.

Henry fell asleep within minutes. She wondered if he would remember his head hitting the pillow in the morning. She felt guilty, knowing that she was the reason he was so tired. The poor thing probably hadn't slept in days. She felt her stomach churn in a knot as she dared to imagine his distress at the thought of her death.

A thought passed through her, and whatever anxiety has begun to bubble up with the guilt of the pain she had put Henry through began to dissipate.

She was alive. In a day, they would all be physically reunited again and everything was going to be back to normal. Come hell or high water, they were all going to be okay. She was going to make sure of it.

After watching Henry sleep for a while, she sat up and turned to see Killian staring intensely at her. She gave him an awkward grin and moved off the bed to sit on the foot stool in front of him. In the moonlight, it was easy to see that he was watching her intently with an expression that she couldn't figure out. Having him watch over her was comforting, and she felt her heart flutter. She wanted to reach out and hold him, kiss him, to love him…

There was so much she had wanted to say. They had said so much on the beach, but they were both thinking that she was a ghost, not just an astral projection. They thought she was dead. Here and now, they were both alive. There was a possibility for a future. The prospect of that excited her immensely.

But first, they would have to talk, and she had no idea where to start.

"Hi." She said softly, then leaned in closer to him.

"Hi." He smiled and his body relaxed. As they sat there, his bright blue eyes shone in the moonlight while he stared at her. The world seemed to fade away around them. She watched as his shoulders dropped and his breaths came at a much slower rate. He truly did look to be at ease. "Tonight did not go as I expected, if I'm honest," he started, "and I don't know what I have sold or given up to Hades himself to have gotten you back, but I am just so happy you're here. With me. And with Henry."

She smiled at him and reached out to touch his knee. She hovered her hand over where she would have touched him, just like she did with Henry. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "I can almost feel you."

Silently, she got off of the footstool and stood above him. His eyes didn't open. She leaned down over him, and hovered her lips over his.

He made a small noise, like a grunt, and her heart raced. He could feel her. She raised her hand and stroked his cheek. His eyes fluttered open and he looked into hers. She didn't know how long they stayed that way, but she knew she never wanted it to end.

Eventually, Killian drifted off to sleep in the arm chair. He, too, had looked exceptionally tired all evening. She watched over the two of them from the footstool for what must have been a few hours. The moonlight that shone through the window slowly crept along the floor, lighting up each individual floor board in a blue-tinged white glow. It slowly crept over Killian, lighting up his features in a soft glow.

Everything was so peaceful. The house was quiet, she knew that everyone she loved was safe. It was a perfect moment.

Suddenly, she felt a pull on her right arm. She didn't even look, but instinctively pulled her arm away from the pressure. Whatever it was grabbed her again, and this time with far more force. It surrounded her, and she felt herself being pulled backwards.

The world around her spun, and she was thrown to the floor of a brightly lit apartment that she had been in not too long ago.

"God. Fucking. Damnit." Neal's voice roared behind her. She realized quickly where she was and who she was with.

She was in his living room, and Neal was standing in front of her with the huge black, oozing, shifting, shadow hovering behind him. He was glaring at her, his eyes no longer their original colour but completely black. The landlady, known as Tiffany, was standing beside him on his left, dressed in a skin tight red dress with a neckline that plunged down to her stomach. To Neal's right stood Mr. Gold, who had a look of discomfort and pity on his face as he leaned heavily on his staff.

"How the fuck aren't you dead?" Neal roared, throwing his arms violently up in the air. In Emma's mind it almost reminded her of a small child's temper tantrum. All he needed to do was start stomping his feet. Of course, whoever or whatever this was, was far more dangerous than a child.

"Your guess is as good as mine, honey." She practically spat at him as she definately pushed herself to her feet, staring him down with as much malice and she could muster.

Tiffany shrieked with laughter. Neal glowered at her. "And what, exactly, are you laughing at?"

"You had the perfect opportunity to kill her and get away with it." The raven haired woman purred at him. "No one suspected you. We had everything lined up. And yet…" she trailed off and seemed to float over to Emma, her bare feet making almost no noise on the floor. As she stepped up to Emma, she placed her finger under Emma's chin and lifted it.

"How are you able to…" she was forcefully interrupted.

"And yet," Tiffany continued, "here she is. The Saviour. Still alive, in a manner of speaking." Tiffany snapped her head around, and Emma saw that her eyes were completely black as well. "I told you that I saw her earlier. It's a shame you didn't believe me. She was wandering down the street like the annoying little ghost that she is."

Neal growled and clenched his fists. His entire body tensed and his muscles seemed to be bulging out of his dress shirt. Tiffany's melodic laugh echoed through the room as she put her hands on Emma's shoulders, holding her still. "I should have killed you. It's far more poetic that he do it, but I knew it should have been me. I won't make the same mistake."

"Now, hold on.." Mr. Gold spoke up, looking between Tiffany and Neal with a bored countenance. "Does she really need to die? Obviously no one else saw her. She's no threat to us anymore, right? Especially not in this state."

"Wrong." Neal snapped and turned on his dad. The black cloud behind him twitched. "As long as she's alive, my power is still trapped. Your power, father," he snarled the last word as if the word itself disgusted him to say "is still trapped. The balance of good and evil is still equal. We need to tip the scale. And it won't tip until she is gone for good!" he huffed and folded his arms, looking Emma up and down, slowly. "I suppose I need to finish the job." He sighed. "Today was supposed to be relaxing. Oh well."

"Oh honey," Tiffany mewled, running her fingertips up and down Emma's neck. "Let me do it. That way, you know it will be done."

Neal glared. "Why must you antagonize me? I am perfectly capable of the murder of the woman who killed me. You're such an idiot. I'll finish the job myself. It won't be too hard." He looked at Emma and gave her the creepiest grin. It gave her chills. "Do you remember what I did to you, Swan? Because I do. I remember your blood. The sound your nose made when I bashed it into the floor. The crack of the arm I broke. And, believe me, this time, it will be far, far worse. Do you remember?" He sneered, then the black mass shifted and it all came back to her.

She remembered their moans and the creak of the bed. She remembered opening the door to the bedroom and seeing Tiffany's body on top of Neal's, her hips rolling rhythmically with his grunts, his fingers digging into her hips and his face staring up at hers.

She'd gasped and both of their faces snapped to hers, eyes blacker than the night sky. They had sneers on their faces.

She was shocked, but not really. She knew what she was coming to do, so she had said to them, with courage that she had lost a long time ago "Well, I was coming to end this, but you just made it easy."

Tiffany had raised herself off of Neal and sat back on the bed. She didn't bother to try to cover herself. She simply reached over and picked up a cigarette from the night stand and lit it. She looked very satisfied with herself. He rolled off the bed, the sneer still on his face as he stood in front of her. "You think so, eh? You really think that YOU have any say on when we are over?"

"Absolutely." She'd responded, defiantly standing her ground as he moved closer to her. "What the hell is wrong with your eyes? Are you on something?"

He tilted his head in an unnatural motion, and Emma got chills up her spine. It was like looking into a shark's eyes; dark, soulless, and with no trace of humanity.

Her instincts were screaming for her to run. She had never ignored her instincts before.

She turned and ran, but she didn't get far. She heard his heavy footsteps behind her, and felt a sharp blow on the back of her head, and she was knocked down hard, face first, to the floor. He sat on her back, grabbed her hair and pulled her head back, snarling into her ear "Well, I was going to wait until a special occasion, like our wedding night." The pain was so intense and she reached back to try to free herself, but she shouldn't reach, "I guess tonight will do just as well. Goodbye, Saviour."

He slammed her face against the floor, and the world went black.

Neal saw that she was remembering and grinned widely. "I will see you soon, Emma."

Emma found herself snap back to the footstool in her room.

Her heart was racing.

They didn't have a day. They had to find her NOW.

"Killian!" she cried.

He didn't move.

Frustrated, she tried to kiss him awake.

Nothing.

"DAMNIT!" she snapped. She made a strangling motion. The man could sleep! She paced up and down the room trying to come up with a way to wake him.

After making as much noise as possible, and wondering how the hell both Killian and Henry were still asleep, Emma began to panic. She also became exceptionally frustrated. Thinking it wouldn't hurt him and needing to vent her anger, she reached back and pretended to slap Killian hard across the face.

Except it wasn't pretend.

"OW!"

"OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY!" Emma cried. She was horrified that she'd hit him, but at the same time, she was elated. Killian sat up quickly in his chair and rubbed his cheek. Bleary eyed and hardly able to focus, he looked around.

"What…what's going on…"

"Killian, we need to find Regina. Right now."

"What? What do you…"

"Get your coat on! We need to go NOW!"

Hearing the desperate urgency in her voice, Killian sat up and nodded. He snatched his jacket and they were gone within moments and heading to the cemetery.

"Emma, what's going on?" The cool night air seemed to wake Killian up as they ran.

"Neal. He…I…I somehow got pulled to his place! Except it's not Neal. I don't know what it is, but Mr. Gold was there and that whore of a landlady…"

Killian raised an eyebrow, but didn't question it. It was as if he already knew. "Mr. Gold, eh? Of course the crocodile is a part of this."

"I don't know how, but yes. He is. But that doesn't matter right now. What matters is that they know I'm still alive and Neal is on his way to finish me off. We have to find my body right now!"

He nodded. "We will, love."

They made it to the cemetery in a short time, and the door to the mausoleum was already open. Downstairs, Regina was muttering to herself and was pouring over an old, beat up spell book. Her head snapped up when she heard Killian come down.

She was going to make a snide comment about impatience, but upon seeing the look on his face, she thought better of it. "I'm assuming we need this sooner rather than later." She said slowly. "Is Emma with you?"

"Yes. Neal is about to go finish her off. He knows she's still alive. We need to find her now!" he explained quickly.

Regina didn't question it. She just nodded and began snatching at ingredients around the crypt.

Robin had fallen asleep and started awake at the commotion. "Wassgoin gon?" he slurred. "Mornin' already?"

"I don't know if this is going to work," Regina groaned as she re-read the spellbook. No one said anything as she worked, pouring and mixing the ingredients into a cauldron in front of her. It was a tense several minutes as she worked, until finally, the concoction in front of her glowed green, blue, and pink. It slowly rose out of the pot, and seemed to dance in front of them.

"That looks like…" Robin trailed off, staring in awe at the beauty of the lights.

"The Aurora Borealis." Regina smiled. "Or, rather, the northern lights. Legend has it that the spirits of the deceased dance in the aurora in the north. If they can attach to souls like that, then I believe they'll light up Emma, and the piece of her soul that is still attached to her body."

As she was explaining, the lights began to swirl in the room, and headed straight to Emma. Starting at her feet, they swirled around her up to her head. She suddenly felt very warm, and looked up to see Regina grinning broadly at her.

"Long time no see, Swan. Nice dress. The afterlife agrees with you." She paused for a minute, surveying her work, and remarked "I can't believe that worked."

"I can." Robin grinned and kissed her cheek. "You're amazing."

Emma smiled. "I agree, Regina. You really are amazing…oh!" Behind her, the lights darted towards the entrance of the crypt.

Without another word, the four rushed off after them. They left the crypt and headed out of town and into the woods.

The light darted in front of them, spiraling the colours of green, blue, and pink that seemed to flow like a river. It weaved in between the trees, and lighting up the world around them. It was headed to an area that no one in town typically frequented, in a lesser-known marsh just on the outskirts. The pond was covered with algae and too shallow for fish, and surrounded by mosquitoes and fireflies.

The warmth that Emma had started to feel began to become uncomfortable and she grunted. Her head also began to throb, and her arm ached. She looked over at Killian who was focused on following the light ahead of them, and thought better of telling him about her discomfort.

The group paused for a break at the edge of the marsh, watching he light extend across the middle of the marsh. Emma tried to see where the light ended on the other side of the marsh when she noticed a small orange glow. Her eyebrows furrowed as she tried to make out what it could have been. It was too big to be fireflies, and no one camped out this far…

Her breath hitched in her throat. "No." She gasped, then ran. Seeing as she was not a physical person, running across the marsh was not a problem for her. "NO!" she screamed, feeling the warmth more now than she had before.

It didn't take her long to make it across the marshlands. Sure enough, there was a small abandoned hunter's cabin that the lights had encircled, lighting up the forest around it. She cried out in horror as she saw smoke and flames rising out of the windows on the right side.

She didn't realize that Killian was at her side until he ran by her and kicked in the door. Robin and Regina were nowhere to be seen, but she knew they couldn't be far behind. Emma followed Killian into the burning cabin.

Everything seemed to slow and the world went quiet as she looked around the small room. The bed on the right side of the room had been set on fire. There was a small, makeshift kitchen in the center of the room, and on the far left side was a fireplace. There, laying haphazardly in front of the fireplace on the rotting wooden floor, was her bruised, broken, and bloody body. If the aurora's light hadn't been surrounding it, she would not have recognized herself and would have thought there was a mistake.

"Oh…Emma…" Killian choked, falling to his knees next to her and, as gently as he could, he pulled her broken frame to him. His body shook with anguish, his face contorted into mixed expressions of horror and despair. Her face was covered in purple and green bruises, with dried blood all over. Her nose was obviously broken and was sitting at an inappropriate angle. Her right arm was bent the wrong way at the elbow.

He was trying to keep his emotions together until he could get her out of the house. He looked up at her, eyes welling. Whether or not that was from the smoke or from his emotions, she couldn't tell. He stood with her in his arms, but by the time he turned to the door, the flames had overtaken it. Coughing, he backed away and spun about, trying to find another way to escape the blaze.

The cabin was old and run down, making the wood perfect for burning and within seconds, there was no escaping. The walls and roof were overtaken quickly, and the fire billowed around them.

Killian fell to his knees with her tightly in his arms. He looked around, eyes wide with panic and desperation, chest heaving. There was no way out. She watched as emotions poured over him. He seemed to be like a trapped animal, but soon realized their situation and relaxed. He held her close and laid down on the floor, holding her close.

"Killian…"

"I'm staying with you." He coughed, burying his face in her hair and stroking her head. "If this is the only place I'll hold you in this lifetime, Swan," he coughed again, "I will hold you until the end."

"Killian." She said softly.

Emma knew she could get them out of this. But she knew that meant going back into her broken body, and she remembered the pain from earlier. She knew she wouldn't survive, and that scared her. She didn't want to die.

Killian can't die.

He wouldn't die.

She bit her lip, then walked up to him, flames billowing around them. She knelt and touched his face. He looked up at her, eyes glistening, but a calmness had overcome him. He had given up.

"I love you."

He laughed, coughed, and nodded while pulling her broken form closer. "I love you too, Emma. I…I wanted to spend my life with you." He coughed. "To grow old with you." Another cough. "All of the happily ever after bullshit that comes with it."

"I did too." She smiled then leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss against his cheek. "Take care of Henry." She whispered.

His eyes went wide as he understood what her words meant. "No…" he started to say, but was interrupted by a coughing fit from the smoke inhalation. He was shaking his head vehemently when she smiled, trying desperately to turn away from her. "You can't leave me again!" he coughed. "I won't let you! Let me go with you!"

She touched her body, and it was instantaneous. The pain was almost overwhelming, and everything hurt. She wanted to scream, but her throat hurt too badly. She pried open her left eye, as the other was swollen shut, and looked up at Killian. All she could see was his hair. He had her bundled up in his arms and was not letting her go.

"No…Emma…no…"

Grunting from the severe pain shooting through her entire body, she raised her unbroken left hand and focused her energy. A soft glow appeared in her palm.

"Please," he choked, staring from her hand to her face in horror. "Please don't. Emma."

The cool night air rushed around her. She could hear the crackling of the fire, but there was no more smoke or flame around them.

"Emma!" she heard Regina running to them.

"No!" Killian cried when he realized they were safe. "Emma! Why did you do that? Why?" she felt him heave as another coughing fit overtook him.

Emma smiled painfully, but she couldn't keep the darkness at bay anymore. The pain was overwhelming, and she knew she had to give in.

"Emma! Don't you dare let go! Stay with me!" Killian begged, holding her as tightly as he could.

'At least I died in his arms…

Neal took a deep breath, enjoying the clean morning air. The birds were singing, and the morning dew was still clinging to the grass and leaves on the trees. It was a truly perfect morning.

Tiffany wore an obnoxiously large violet hat with several flowers and a veil that covered part of her face. Her dress was also a deep purple that sat just above the knee, and strappy designer heels. She hung off of Neal's arm, and air of superiority blatant on her face as they strolled down the main street of town. They had won, and were taking a morning victory tour around the town before they put their plan into motion. Neal loved Granny's coffee and wanted to try it one last time.

There were few people out this morning. Most were still at home, mourning the death of the only person who could have stopped them. As they should.

That's when a car pulled up beside them and Belle leaned out the window. Neal leaned down to say hello and noticed his father sitting in the passenger seat of the vehicle. Gold refused to look at his son. Neal knew his father's stressed and concerned face. This couldn't be good.

Belle's hazel eyes widened seeing Tiffany on his arm, but if she had an opinion, she didn't say it. She had other news to deliver as quickly as possible.

"Neal, do you want a ride?" she called to him.

"Oh." Neal looked genuinely surprised.. "Where are we going? Brunch?"

Belle looked confused. "No! Has no one told you? Emma's been found!"

Neal smiled at her, sadly. The body must not have been burnt enough in the fire. Oh well. No harm done. "Ah. I see. And they need me to identify the body?"

"What! No! She's still alive! They brought her to the hospital this morning. I don't know all the details, but Granny called and told me to get down there as quickly as possible and to find you! It's a miracle!"

Tiffany's nails dug into his arm, but Neal didn't flinch. He broke out his best smile of relief, instead, and quickly ushered the woman on his arm into the car.

As Belle drove, Neal's mind raced. How was she still alive?

Belle was chattering away to Rumple as they drove, so Tiffany leaned over and hissed "I should have taken care of it myself."

"There was no way she could have lived. I'll take care of it!"

"You have had two chances already to 'take care of it.'" She snapped. "You don't get any more. I will finish it myself. I swear, Neal, I thought you said you weren't in love with her anymore. She killed you, you idiot!"

"I know! I thought she would have offed herself by now." He groaned. "I had her in the palm of my hand. I don't know what went wrong. She shouldn't have had anymore hope. I wanted her to suffer a long, painful death. I was started to imprint the idea of her slitting her own wrists. I should have just slit them myself. Slow and painful. Although this time, I'll just slit the bitch's throat. It will be quick. It's not like we still need the town to think she died on her own…although it would have really helped."

"Yes. We. Do." She seethed. "They still need to think that their Savior killed herself. That's the way it has to be. You get one more shot to get rid of her and make it look like suicide. Fail again and I don't know what will happen. I, however, will not be happy. And neither will the boss."

There was a groan behind them. The black, inky cloud was twitching and Neal shuddered.

"Understood. She won't last another twelve hours. I'll just need a moment alone with her…that shouldn't be too hard, right?" he reached up and pulled at the collar on his black shirt. "The grieving fiance who is ruined by the sight of his beloved having killed herself. There has to be some poetry in that."


End file.
